Month 4

 Its take off time. First thoughts are - I wish that things were clear right from go. Not knowing if it was even going to happen or not just served to make me worry about it all the time. Anyhow.

next thought - change. Its massive. Its difficult to leave something one is so rooted to, where one grew up (in so many ways), place of a sort of rebirth.. I think of people who left their homes, countries to travel the high seas absolutely unaware of what lay ahead of them... To be so completely at the mercy of the uncertain - one had to have a great deal of hope and optimism inside of them.. and its only that which got them places. I have to look at this transition the same way. There is so much that I can make of it but its totally upto me to do it. Its not one of the beaten paths in this line of work. I have to beat the path that works for me. And I have to stay hopeful. 

Month 2

 Every place, every new experience, in the end , brings with it a whole set of new lessons in life.. Being as I am, in a philosophical mood, I am going to pen it down.

The biggest lesson :- what has to happen, will. And by corollary and an added dose of Murphy, what you want should happen but isnt meant to, WONT! People will tell you to try harder, meet this one, that one, do this do that.. but in the end, I suppose even that you will do only if you are meant to and is in no way related to the actual happening of what you want. It may very well happen that you STILL dont get what you want.

Second biggest lesson :- the govt - not one individual but as an institution- is a treasure house of surprises. When you think that you have been exposed to it for  over 10 years and you know all about its crazy ways, a new place will teach some new form of bureaucrat-ese that you could never have imagined. It could be about the new depths to which something you knew already but never thought anyone could plunge to (like the backlogs everywhere or it could be a new revelation in wastefulness, how not to get things done  or to not let things get done!

Third biggest lesson :- the higher you go, all that knowledge accumulated over the years only serves to bog you down.. its almost like our coach used to say for upsc - the higher your degree in a subject, it only impedes you from doing well in upsc because they are not interested in that vast universe of info that you have - they want short, succinct, to the point answers. It amazes me how, we get in writing answers like that, but grow up to  work in the exactly opposite way.

Apart from this work related philosophy, there is so much thinking about life that this period has made me do.. so much that i maybe knew, but didn't truly realise.. like something as trite and common as, when we have everything we want, we think we are missing something and want more. Then when we dont have it any more, we realise how much we valued it.. i thought i had internalised this fact almost a decade ago and found that wonderful inner balance which made me value everything that I do have as opposed to what I dont..  I know did.. but I seem to have lost it along the way.. and trying to regain it is... HARD. How do you lose something like that?

Time.. and age actually makes you more uncertain about things. What you thought can NEVER  happen, does. What you thought you HATE, over time you come to find that you actually don't. Even pumpkins! It's ironic because we have always been taught that wisdom lies with older people! And this thing called time.. its like camphor.. you wrap it in a piece of cloth and think you have preserved it and can best use of it when you want, but when you do open it, its hardly there.. just vapourized.. Its like what Barbara Streisand's mother says in the movie 'Mirror has Two Faces' about time. You dont feel like time has passed you by, you dont even realise it till its gone and then when you look at it.. most of that precious time would have gone in something totally not worth it. So each day is making me realise how important it is to be acutely hyper-sensitively aware of what we are doing with our lives at any given point of time. I also realise how difficult it gets, each passing day, to learn something new, specially when you have to do if after a long break. I wish  I had known that because then, like cheryn, I would have tried to teach myself something new everyday.. And then the most important thing.. I look at my kids and I see how difficult it is for a human being to forgive and let go.. and life has shown me how the inability to do so has changed the course of so many many important things for us as a species.. leading me to believe that being able to do that is probably the single most important thing we should all learn in our life times..

Month 1

 

A month has passed. Slowly, like the time before, I am coming to terms with the fact of my utter helplessness in these matters. I do remember cribbing quite often and feeling bored and listless there too. But I had occasional spurts of activity which kicked off my lethargy, gainfully employed my mind and gave me some sense of satisfaction. I suppose every place has that capacity.. ther are things to be done everywhere.. but it is a confluence of people and ideas and opportunity that make things happen. So even if I dragged my feet on it and started mn project only in nov 19 because of my worry that mk would not be able to pull it along, there were others, like dr. c, jk, dm  who helped pull it through just like we wanted to. So far, I haven’t yet witnessed that capability here and I am not hitting upon any workable ideas either.. but to be fair, even there, it took almost 6 months to reach that stage. Probably elections was the reason, but even if we shave of 3 months for elections, that’s still at least 3 months we are looking at before one fully understands the potentials and the people. And here its been just a month.

Truth is, my worry about impending change and the fact that I am presuming my time to be limited here is interfering with my thinking. The fact that for this whole month I haven’t met any prs and now that they are free, the anticipation of meeting is building up a certain tension in me.. worried that I will be at loggerheads with them often given their reputation. I suppose it is wrong of me to presume such things.. after all, I had heard the same things earlier, but it wasn’t so bad after all. So I should be mature enough to keep an open mind and like matt damon says, solve one math problem. Then another. then another. That’s how you stay alive!!

Rejuvenate, revive

   Nothing clears your mind like a trek.. Pushing yourself physically to do what your body is not doing on a daily basis, trudging along a path that has been used a few hours ago by a panther, her cub, a hyena and a porcupine; wild flowers abloom, scenting the forest; cold water running over your hot sweaty feet as you cross a flowing stream of river bare feet, climbing up a "jenana oudhi' (a hunting point for the women in the days of the maharajas) and being treated to a sweeping view of the mountains around you, which your eyes take in, as the cold air hits your lungs when you breathe...

   All this and so much more.. a sensation, a feeling difficult to explain but which basically cleans out the huge stinking pile of thoughts in your head and replaces it with the quiet sounds of the forest. That, along with the sound of your footsteps, the tautness in the muscles and the short breath as you negotiate a climb, leaves you feeling... nourished. 

   And then when you find something really delectable which you have never had before, in the middle of the forest, it's the icing on the cake. As if that wasn't enough, you get the recipe out of the guy, try it at home and figure that its the easiest thing ever to make - then it becomes an amazing day! 

Best 2nd October Ever

   Me, and I suppose most people like me have grown up looking forward to 2nd October because its a holiday. Of course there has been the cribbing about waking up early morning to sing bhajans, but at least one can sleep the rest of the day! 

   But this year, it got better than ever. For once, I felt like ''the daily hell one goes through'' is worth it. The beauty is, we did nothing out of the ordinary. Just little things.. donated blood, with family. got a movie screened for 250 kids , majority of whom have never been inside a movie hall.. my elder one, gets pretty much everything he asks for in life and even he goes crazy with excitement when he goes to a mall or a theatre. Imagine the buzz among these kids! Their smiles, their happiness, just made everything worthwhile. 

   And then a small effort to help one of the most famous eat streets here switch out plastic to biodegradable stuff by teaming with their association and red cross to give them steel/glass/biodegradable things at 50% discount. The best part was that one of the boat owners was so happy with this that he offered to take us all on a boat ride to celebrate this effort! I promised him that I would return to ride his boat once we achieve our target of making this street 100% plastic free. I really hope I get to make that boat trip.