Library Lost

   Its a beautiful building, who's exterior facade is used for pre-wedding shoots (some new fad all couples seem to have these days, which hapless guests are forced to watch in recompense for the dinner we down at their wedding reception!) while the interior holds books dating back to the 1600s. Sadly, it is also one of the most forgotten institutions as far as government interest goes. 

   The regular influx of new books has left it with little space which isn't taken up with bookshelves. Some rooms are literally filled with sacks of books stashed one upon the other, with no staff left to even indent them. The scores of students who come, aren't here for the heritage or the hardbacks. They are here looking for a quiet place to study. With nothing left in the name of a reading room, the corridors are lined with desks and chairs for them to use. 

   Despite this state of affairs, the sheer will and commitment of 2-3 people is keeping this library going.. and they are super excited with my visit. They show me around with pride.. some more people join us as we move from room to room.. these are the old timers who have been visiting this library for decades. Some have even retired from here and keep pitching in with their help whenever needed. 

   We reach a sort of verandah where I'm stumped to find a massive, 10, maybe 12 feet statue of Queen Victoria in marble. Apparently, this library was originally opened as a museum in her name, in the late 1800s. Hence, the statue. Post independence, it was seen as a mark of British subjugation and removed from its prime spot at the entrance. Today she stands in the yard, book in hand, not knowing what to do!

   Moving on, we go upstairs and they bring me the oldest book in the collection, dating back to 1665! The pages are so brittle that turning them reminds me of the first time I held my tiny newborn baby in my arms. There are some with beautifully painted gold inscriptions, travelogues written in an English which we do not recognise fully today, coffee table books of yore (that's not what they were called then!) showcasing a Bombay Horse and Cattle show and plenty other wonderful treasures!

   By now I have made up my mind to do something about this place. They say, whatever happens, happens for the best. And so it is, even if we dont realise it then. My little tenure in a place whose basic work was preservation of precious manuscripts and the people it brought me in touch with sprang to my mind immediately. With luck, I am able to mobilise funds from two sources under my control and reach out to my erstwhile colleagues for chalking out a plan of action. Its been about a month since my visit now, the plan is in place and we are ready to start working on it.

   If all goes well, we will find a new and separate reading room for all the exam - giving students, digitized books so that they do not have to be manually handled any more, scientific preservation of the older lot and a gallery showcasing some of the rare books and manuscripts unique to this library, within 6 months. Fingers crossed!

Catching up

   Two months nearly since the elections got over. Back to regular work. Time just flies. What have I been upto for two months now? If I look at it backwards, there has been 1 ill-timed and serious issue with bus burning and lathi charges. A very strange and inexplicable case indeed.. but one that cannot be discussed on a public forum.

   There was one trip to study the different kinds of models of implementing a particular scheme. That was interesting in so many ways. Firstly, to get to step outside of one's own pond and see how the rest of the world approaches the same problem in many different ways was really refreshing and educational. In fact, this should be made a standard practice. Secondly, the visit gave a shocking revelation into the ways things can be manipulated to serve vested interests.. or at least that's what it seemed like to me! 

   Thirdly, it was great to meet some people I hadn't met in decades! Age is a uniformly cruel thing.. but spirit is one's own. And it was inspiring, to say the least, to see how old friends and elders have kept up their spirits against all the odds that age and time throws at you.. and heartening to see how some relationships still haven't changed, because of the beautiful people in it. 

   Another dear-to-my-heart project on menstrual hygiene has been started. The planning for it nearly made me pop a nerve, but now that its underway, I am amazed myself at how smoothly its going despite the fact that the 4 odd departments/organisations involved were at loggerheads almost a week before its start! The response of the girls, their mothers is tremendous compared to what I expected.. The follow up mechanisms are also working, though a bit more tweaking is required and underway. The way the usually cynical media has appreciated and covered it has also surprised me. And now UNICEF wants to document it as a best practice. 

 A part of this time also went in visiting and commissioning works in an old and ignored library. This deserves a separate post, which I will write next. Another part of it went in a few field visits (not as many as I would like to) which were a great exposure for me. This place post rains is beautiful in a way that no one can imagine in this State. People are so diverse.. differences in dialects, customs, practices, expectations from the powers that be.. all of them are so varied within the boundaries of this 12000 sq kms. 

  It is also an eye opener into the cutting edge level service delivery issues.. which this place has plenty of. I have realised that just like Parkinson's Law, (Work expands to fill the time available for its completion), standards of service delivery tunes itself to the expectations and awareness of the people seeking those services, making sure that it is always at least one notch lower. So, in places where the latter is almost negligible, the standards of service delivery are.. well.. to put it mildly.. pathetic. Sometimes it all feels hopeless. But then, as a friend counselled, dont lose hope and keep at it. Sometimes the results will surprise you.. 

Last notable thing would be, as a broad category, to figure out gaps where ongoing schemes have not been reaching the intended beneficiary for a while and plug them. That part has been satisfying in the sense that things which got lost, somewhere in the maze of processes, could be salvaged and brought home, where it belongs. Compensation to more than 100 victims of certain crimes, scholarships to certain category of students (including 3700 orphans), sick patients on their death beds, incentives for immunising baby girls, certificates for a special category of people - these are done or nearly done. But what I am more excited about is that we are trying to build a way to figure out 100% reach in future. I am 'this' close to testing it.. If that succeeds, it will be really something!

Ideally, each of these should have gotten a separate entry.. but I haven't been able to write much the last two months and I am just compensating right now. 

The suprise guest

   Now that I have humongously more time on my hands than Ive had in the past 3 years, reminiscing has become a hobby and writing has become pleasurable again. When I go through my blog pages, I realise that the few times I have blogged in the past couple of years, its been triggered by some frustrating activity. But now that all that is in the past, I seem to be slowly recalling the good memories, which I really dont want to lose!

   One such was the day that I came to my office in B, to find a familiar face waiting outside. I didnt recognize him immidiately but called him inside and made him take a seat. Then he handed over a piece of paper to me, which read that 'My spoken word is not always very clear so I have had someone write this down. You were very kind to me whenever I visited your office in J and I simply felt like visiting you. I have not come to ask for anything else'.

   Instantly I recognized him. It was my very first posting in place called J. This person is physically handicapped and slurs in his speech too. I dont recall what I did to help him then. But I do remember that he would come often to my office and I would make him take a seat and try very hard to understand what he is saying. Back in those days, I was a bit on the impatient side, so I remember taking the effort to be specially patient with him given his speech issues.

   This man had travelled 8 hours by bus, west to east, all alone, just to pay his respects. He reached at 5 am and asked for my office and waited there till I came.

   I remember how overwhelmed I was that day by his affection.. No matter how many things may go wrong in one's line of work on a daily basis, one act like this, from a total and complete stranger, makes everything seem almost worth it.  I may not be the best and the most competent officer in the country, but if I have touched someone's life this way, it makes me think that possibly, I havent drifted all that far away from the people I am supposed to serve..

   I tried to chat with him about his village, the rains, etc. for a while. Then gave him breakfast, some money to cover his travel costs and put him back on the next bus back to J. The smile he had on his face the whole time, was certainly and absolutely worth way more than the meeting I had to reschedule.

Awakening..

I was just reading a blog that I used to write many years ago.. I am not sure what made me do so, but Im feeling kind of.. awakened after reading it. I used to write it when I was just out of college and just by my writing I come across to myself as someone with.. a mind of their own, a strong sense of self and most importantly a lack of inhibition and openness, something which is completely removed from me now. 

When I was in college,  we used to have alumni come and speak about how college days are best and once you start working , how life changes you radically etc etc. Like every college kid I used to think to myself, I am never going to turn into this cynical old foggie! I am going to live life to the fullest always! And today, just reading what I wrote so many years ago and comparing it with my writing now, the change is so clear and apparent! Today, I am so guarded, so devoid of a writing style (not that I had some great style earlier, but at least it was distinctive and occasionally funny), such lack of humour, so... bogged down.. thats the accurate word actually.. even in those days I had my share of ups and downs, and spent a lot of time  cribbing about a lot of things, but somehow, there was some.. 'spunk' even in the saddest or angriest entries. Just reading them has made me realise how old and tired I have become... but actually, I'm not that old also, hello!!!!

So, I started going into a rewind of the time that has passed between the last entry in that blog and the first one in this.. revisited some places that I probably shouldnt have.. but anyway, having done so nevertheless, I began to realise that there's been so much that has actually changed.. I mean I always knew that it has, but it kind of dawned upon me like a big time realisation.. In that blog, Ive written about a  couple of people who were important part of my life then and its so.. grown up that some of them, while still being in touch, its just not the same and with some others, things ended, and ended badly too. I mean, in this short span of about 6-7 years, literally every single thing about my life has changed. From the work I do to the people I share my life with, to the kind of lifestyle.. every damn thing.. 

It feels so strange, to be the same person technically, but to have an entirely different life! I guess thats a dream come true for many people but in my case, Im just kind of sorry that it happened without even me realising it! The more I think about it, past years have just been a series of major events one after the other, which have landed me in this planet I am in now, which I didnt ever think about, plan about, dream about! One good thing happened in this soul searching.. I tracked down some of those with whom things ended badly. I did so with great trepidation, not sure of how my feelings would jump out at me.. and I was happy to note that they have moved on.. and they dont appear angry or frustrated at themselves.. theyve moved on in a good way, making a good life for themselves.. and seeing that, actually calmed me.. made me feel like I've made peace with my past.. to be honest, I did spend some time wondering how things would be if 'a', 'b' or 'c' event hadnt happened.. but then, in the end, everyone has moved on and seems to be generally content with their lives - including me, so thats a good thing.. 

  

Another thing that really struck out at me was the sense of surety. About what I wanted, about how things should be done or not done. what is right and what is wrong.. strangely with time, instead of becoming more set in my thoughts about these things, I have become less and less certain.. I have everything I wanted but keep finding it inadequate. Wrongs and rights seem so relative now. Not every right is actually right and not every wrong is actually wrong.. life seems more like a series of compromises now, with a lot of negotiation and haggling for everything which I once thought was a given. This in turn has made each day like walking off the beaten path, finding my way through into a new territory and the constant uncertainty seems to have mentally weakened me in some way, although I cant pinpoint exactly how.. so now i spend my free time like a couch potato, thinking of nothing and doing nothing except watch tv - such a contrast to one of my entries then about how amazing it felt to be able to read so many books back then and how i didnt enjoy tv very much. Its bang opposite today. I dont know when I last read a book and when a day passed without watching at least 2 hours of tv..

Im glad I  did this today.. I need a bit of a wake up call. The strongest feeling all of this has left inside me is, that I need to really pick up and own my life. This feeling that the past few years have happened 'despite' me , is not at all how it should be.. good or bad, happy unhappy highs lows, whatever it is, I should be in some sort of control of the situation, some element of choice in making things go one way or another.. Im not saying it was completely missing, but whatever amount was there, I have forgotten even within such a short span of time! So what is its value?! I have to seize each moment - cliched as it sounds.. I dont want life passing me by, while I stay glued to Masterchef! I dont think anybody  wants that. So its best to let past hurt die its own death and make today the best that I can. Have to find a way out of this comfortable cocoon I keep myself in, take a chance, learn something, do something.. a friend once told me exactly this, which I had all but forgotten - Learn at least one new thing everyday. Otherwise things happening around you will just swallow you.. High time I start listening to this piece of advice..