Not so Field Days Ahead

     A new place, new profile, new boss, new subordinates, new culture.. New is otherwise an old part of my job.. places and faces change, but the nature of the task, the responses of people, your team, in a broad way, was much the same.  but with this posting I have realised there is a whole other parallel universe where new takes on a literal meaning. 

     The first thing that hits you is the utter disregard of your subordinates. The arrogance of them knowing that people like us come and go and while we are there, we depend on their experience and expertise, is nothing short of amazing. There is much in one's life to be arrogant about if one wants.. but I have come to realise that the people who are actually that arrogant, are probably those who dont have much to be so arrogant about! 

     Then comes the widely differing working styles of a boss. Hands on vs Hands off, clarity vs silence, team building vs being on your own, close monitoring, proper guidance vs being on your own, grooming, teaching a new entrant vs being on your own, being called all the time to regular checks vs never being called and wondering all the time whether to take initiative or no. In short, a world of difference.

    

    Then the culture of superiority, as though all others are beholden to you.. the previous profiles had much more to feel superior about and yet, I find that the case is much more so here where it is actually counter productive in so many ways.. 

   As of today, in the middle of my second month here, I am still confused, learning the ropes very slowly with no clear direction or role model to emulate.. lets see where this goes.. will I become 'it' or will 'it' become me?! 

The suprise guest

   Now that I have humongously more time on my hands than Ive had in the past 3 years, reminiscing has become a hobby and writing has become pleasurable again. When I go through my blog pages, I realise that the few times I have blogged in the past couple of years, its been triggered by some frustrating activity. But now that all that is in the past, I seem to be slowly recalling the good memories, which I really dont want to lose!

   One such was the day that I came to my office in B, to find a familiar face waiting outside. I didnt recognize him immidiately but called him inside and made him take a seat. Then he handed over a piece of paper to me, which read that 'My spoken word is not always very clear so I have had someone write this down. You were very kind to me whenever I visited your office in J and I simply felt like visiting you. I have not come to ask for anything else'.

   Instantly I recognized him. It was my very first posting in place called J. This person is physically handicapped and slurs in his speech too. I dont recall what I did to help him then. But I do remember that he would come often to my office and I would make him take a seat and try very hard to understand what he is saying. Back in those days, I was a bit on the impatient side, so I remember taking the effort to be specially patient with him given his speech issues.

   This man had travelled 8 hours by bus, west to east, all alone, just to pay his respects. He reached at 5 am and asked for my office and waited there till I came.

   I remember how overwhelmed I was that day by his affection.. No matter how many things may go wrong in one's line of work on a daily basis, one act like this, from a total and complete stranger, makes everything seem almost worth it.  I may not be the best and the most competent officer in the country, but if I have touched someone's life this way, it makes me think that possibly, I havent drifted all that far away from the people I am supposed to serve..

   I tried to chat with him about his village, the rains, etc. for a while. Then gave him breakfast, some money to cover his travel costs and put him back on the next bus back to J. The smile he had on his face the whole time, was certainly and absolutely worth way more than the meeting I had to reschedule.

Self - introspection

  Last two months have been rather random. Most of it has gone in preparations for yet another round of elections. Good part of November went in preparing for a pre-announced programme of high level visits, inspections, etc. lasting for a week as well as a massive recruitment drive for the Army. This period has also seen a large number of changes in officers - transfers galore.And then, having to deal with yet another department's grassroot workers going on a strike. And this was the fourth time they were going on a strike for a non issue. It took me one and half years, but I finally understood the secret of dealing with such issues this time round! It was fun watching them finally get off their high horse on their 23rd day of strike and return to work unconditionally! Anyhow, I'm digressing. Not to miss, yet another communal tussle brewing, but taken care of after 3 weeks effort.

   What has happened in the process of getting busy with other things and getting to know the new faces is that I  have completely lost the continuity and momentum for the things I was working on. I dont intend to make that my excuse.. I suppose in this job, one should get used to such interruptions, learn to deal with them as a part of the job and yet stay true to the issues close to one's heart at the same time. Be able to handle a full plate so to speak. But I find that these interruptions have only made me lose my interest.. I am finding it difficult to return to a routine of monitoring 40 people for the same things that I have been for the last one year. Monthly meetings for review are of no actual use because people dont comply so easily and a month is just wasted hoping that they will improve.. so weekly meetings are the most suitable. But that takes so much of effort and time if I have to do it thoroughly.. I just dont feel up to it any longer.. 

   Thats not entirely true I suppose. It isnt just that it takes so much effort. It is also that it invites a lot of displeasure. No one likes to be shaken out of their comfort zone and yet that is just what I had been trying to do with various officers. Now it seems I'm falling into a comfort zone of my own - no longer zealous and ready to take on the world. 

   When I started paying special attention to some areas, it wasn't because I was required to by my superiors, but out of my own interest in the subjects. I never expected anything in return or any recognition because I realised from the very beginning that I am touching issues which cannot be showcased. My aim was to bring systemic improvement. But then I wonder now, whether my intentions are getting coloured by others' successful demonstration of their work? I hope not. I really hope not because that is neither the person nor the officer I ever want to be. But why then am I 'hoping not' instead of proclaiming so? Am I losing my way?

   Also, I am never sure of whether I am doing enough at any given point of time. How do you know whether you are doing well at your job? Yes, people are kind enough to say nice things to you, but that isnt a solid measure. I also feel that many times I am unable to give shape to ideas because of my inability to reach out or convince people or as they say, 'liase' in a manner that gets things done. No matter how well intentioned, most of my proposals are getting shot down for unacceptable reasons. This too has gotten to me, making me lose interest in going out of my way. So, I dont want to judge myself by comparing myself with peers, I dont want to go by the words of those around me, behaviour of seniors is not very encouraging, so then how? I never know when to allow my conscience to feel satisfied. And that constantly irks me.

   To add to all these misgivings is the feeling that I have reached the end of my run here. If I was confident of at least this, then I wouldnt be feeling so queasy about my performance. However, that too is so uncertain yet inevitable. 

  The truth is, I need to take all these apprehensive, tired, disheartening thoughts, lock them up and throw them out. Get more organised, recollect the reasons for joining this job, the motivation for picking up these areas to work in and always try to remember that such an opportunity to serve will never return. Ever.