A good weekend's chronicle for posterity

One has heard/read a lot about the dullness that domestic life instills in one.. often it is seen as the factor limiting one's ability to reach a higher place at a faster pace.. maybe its true.. but what I want to share here is that many times when I speak to friends after a long gap and they ask me 'how is life?', I catch myself saying, 'Oh, you know, the same old usual.. office, kids.. time just flies'. And time has surely flown, the only telltale sign it has left behind is how much my babies have grown up!

Today is just one of those lazy Sundays.. Wake up late, breakfast with the family and then while younger one naps, do homework with the elder one. That essentially means that he does his work and I give him company doing some reading or work stuff of my own. Then off he hops to play with his friend nextdoor.. The younger one wakes up and his rituals begin - feeding, oiling, bathing, playing and then feeding again, before its time for his next nap. I of course, sit with my Kindle while those in charge bustle about me with all the activity that this entails. Lunch and the next nap almost coincide.. if there is no news of the elder one, it means he has decided to share his friend's lunch! 

Somedays, this is the time I pop in to cook something I fancy for dinner.. or like today, I sit down to blog after ages!! The next steps of my weekend will be like this - elder one returns, younger one wakes up, about the same time.. from then till they sleep around 8, they will play together (or apart when the elder one finds company for badminton or football), they'll eat together and quite often even dance together, regaling us all with their tricks and moves and newfound habits. Then off to bed and wake up next morning to a new week of work & school.

It took a few months for the schedule to settle down.. lots of teething troubles when we began our life in a new place 10 months ago. But now that it has, I cannot help but thank whoever there is to thank in this universe, for the pleasure of these small things.. My kids arent going to be this young always, we are not going to be this healthy always, emotions are not going to flow quietly under the bridge when kids hit their teens and life.. isnt going to be as simple as it feels now, always.. The more regular and 'dull' my weekends are, the more deeply aware I am of the fleeting nature of stability in life.. Such is the sense of comfort I feel that I just do not miss the action and thrill of my previous posts at all.. People always tell you that certain postings are addictive for the grandeur, respect and action they bring.. I have seen people to consider themselves finished once they have been moved out of such posts.. I only wish that all such people find their bliss, if not in their work , then may be in the wonderful world of domesticity..

I have come to think that Florence Nightingale's words are truly inspired when she says,

"The greatest heroes are those who do their duty in the daily grind of domestic affairs whilst the world whirls as a maddening dreidel".

I must hasten to add that my love for my home and family has not detracted one bit from my love for my current work.. but thats another story for another day! 

Alice in not-so-wonderland

   I don't know how to out it. On the face of it, it's a dinner party. But having been there, I feel like I have crossed a threshold.. I feel like I have crossed an invisible line.. that divides those who 'do'  and those who 'dont'..

   When power meets money, they blend so beautifully, effortlessly.. Innocuous as it may seem, a line, a reference here and there and it seems, things get decided accordingly. Sometimes maybe not even that much is needed..

   What was I doing there? Not too sure.. Perhaps, I accidentally stumbled into a rabbit hole. But what I witnessed, or at least I think I witnessed, was more than my nature can stomach.. the knots are still to unravel.. yet very educative.. 

   My best buddy was my link to normalcy.. So happy he was there with me.. But I really have to figure out, how am I going to keep him as grounded as he is now, in future? 

Down memory lane..

   Almost 2 years to the date , I get to visit my old place of posting. This is an extremely rushed visit as I have had to leave behind overnight the latest addition to our family, against all good sense. I raved and ranted , cursed and cribbed about having to make this 8 hour long journey across the State. But I could not avoid it.

   As it is with life, what you expect is rarely what you get. I had no idea that my hushed visit would evoke so much excitement amongst the few who knew of it. On the day of travel, even before i left, I started getting calls from  them about my plans and lots of requests for more time (which , unfortunately i could not spare). As I entered the district boundary, I was flooded with memories.. my poor driver had to listen to stories of those glory days as we drove past villages and milestones. My well wishers waylaid me for a cup of tea with them at a roadside restaurant. I didn't have to do much more than ask how things are, and they poured out the status of all the works that had been undertaken in that period. To my delight, some of the blocked city projects, which took much effort to get back on track, had been completed or were about to be completed. A garden that I had discovered and re planned was now fully functional, a KV that was in demand and we managed to get started with great difficulty and many others. Lots of talk of people who were there then and how everyone was faring.. I wanted to linger on for a couple of hours, but had some more distance to cover, so gulped my tea and said good bye.

   As I pulled into the porch of my place of stay, I am greeted with a surprise. Two of the most efficient people I have worked with, standing there, grinning away, waiting for me to reach. I am so delighted, I hug them and even though its 10 in the night, they accompany me to my room. I invite them to have dinner with me and we chat away till almost 12. The next morning, I get another flurry of visitors early morning. including one most unexpected - a vice president of a powerful association. Someone who I have only met once in the 2 years that I was there. Surprisingly, he talked of some of the tough decisions I had to take back then and appreciated it.. I had no clue I was being watched so carefully even by those behind the scenes. The day is hurried and rushed, but peppered with people I have never met but who recognize me and tell me how wonderful my tenure there was. 

   I say a sad good bye to my friends and rush home to my kids, ruing how short the trip was the whole time. I spent the 8 hour journey back thinking of the things we had accomplished in 3 years and calling those who I couldn't meet to apologize.. After a long time, it felt good to be me.. felt valued, loved and respected.. I wondered if this was just sycophancy on their part, but I realised, there were too many developments in the city pointing towards me for anyone to think their words were empty praise.. 

   I have to go back, at leisure.. just to have a look at those works again.. and meet those who I couldn't. 

Cravings

My parents are pretty clear about food. It is a basic need for sustenance. Period. To the contrary,  I have had an intense long and ongoing love affair with food. The earliest hint, now that I look back upon it, was the way I enjoyed the variety my hostel gave us. We had days designated for different cuisines.  One day was a kerala breakfast,  another was a continental lunch, some days regular north indian, south indian and some days street food style stuff. It probably sounds very fancy, but it wasnt. It was a fixed menu of each of these cuisines that we got and most kids hated it. But that never dampened my appetite or my enthusiasm.  To add to this, a wonderful wonderful bakery.. even today, smell of freshly baking bread triggers major nostalgia in me.

Through the years there came a passing interest in joining hotel management course after school -something literally unheard of in those days.  But someone then told me that it involved a lot of chopping heads off raw fish and that instantly turned me off, not to mention that it was literally unthinkable as a career those days!

Anyhow, cutting to the chase, I couldn't be further away from a career in food than I am now, but the love of it has only grown. I have found that in my most trying times, the only thing that helped get my mind off things was to open one of my mom's cookbooks (she had plenty, having done a cooking course from PUSA Institute many decades back) and find a recipe to match the contents of our /pantry and delve in deep. I did this through boredoms, heart breaks, exams, and whatever things that trouble a teenage mind. Although time and my natural propensity for utter laziness has considerably reduced my cooking, every now and then, I cannot resist a craving and find myself scrounging the fridge for something to feed my itch.

Today, the bountiful rain brought with it misty clouds and a beautiful breeze. Going into our makeshift kitchen, i pulled out a package of sausages - which, believe it or not, I have had the opportunity to purchase after 5 whole years - mayonnaise eggs and bread. With the window of my kitchen overlooking the stony hills swathed in pashmina like clouds, I dunked a dollop of butter into the pan,, heard it sizzle, and smiled. Took out two sausages and caramelized them in the butter, seasoned with nothing but salt and pepper and pushed it to a corner. Swished some more butter in and whipped up some soft scrambled eggs (NOT bhujia). Two slices of bread with a thick coat of mayonnaise received the warm contents of the pan. With a splurt of ketchup, the two were sealed.

I sat in my balcony, with my sandwich and a cup of tea, feeling the cool breeze in my hair and the divinely delicious sandwich warming up my insides. My final word is, the world just ain't right without sausages.

The suprise guest

   Now that I have humongously more time on my hands than Ive had in the past 3 years, reminiscing has become a hobby and writing has become pleasurable again. When I go through my blog pages, I realise that the few times I have blogged in the past couple of years, its been triggered by some frustrating activity. But now that all that is in the past, I seem to be slowly recalling the good memories, which I really dont want to lose!

   One such was the day that I came to my office in B, to find a familiar face waiting outside. I didnt recognize him immidiately but called him inside and made him take a seat. Then he handed over a piece of paper to me, which read that 'My spoken word is not always very clear so I have had someone write this down. You were very kind to me whenever I visited your office in J and I simply felt like visiting you. I have not come to ask for anything else'.

   Instantly I recognized him. It was my very first posting in place called J. This person is physically handicapped and slurs in his speech too. I dont recall what I did to help him then. But I do remember that he would come often to my office and I would make him take a seat and try very hard to understand what he is saying. Back in those days, I was a bit on the impatient side, so I remember taking the effort to be specially patient with him given his speech issues.

   This man had travelled 8 hours by bus, west to east, all alone, just to pay his respects. He reached at 5 am and asked for my office and waited there till I came.

   I remember how overwhelmed I was that day by his affection.. No matter how many things may go wrong in one's line of work on a daily basis, one act like this, from a total and complete stranger, makes everything seem almost worth it.  I may not be the best and the most competent officer in the country, but if I have touched someone's life this way, it makes me think that possibly, I havent drifted all that far away from the people I am supposed to serve..

   I tried to chat with him about his village, the rains, etc. for a while. Then gave him breakfast, some money to cover his travel costs and put him back on the next bus back to J. The smile he had on his face the whole time, was certainly and absolutely worth way more than the meeting I had to reschedule.

Back to the Beginning

   After much soul searching, I decided, premature as it may be, its time for a shift. Shift to a slightly less hectic assignment. Question was, to where? Maybe its my personal bias for its history, but whatever the reason, I find myself back to where my career began.. where this blog began, where everything else wonderful in my life  began..

 

  Its changed in some ways and is just the same in some others. Yet to explore it fully. But explore I will, for with this post comes a huge amount of anonymity and with anonymity comes freedom! Even though my stay here hasnt started as perfectly as planned, I still look forward to a good time and some more happy memories for our family bank here..

For all my life..

Like time suspended,

a wound unmended--

you and I.

We had no ending,

no said goodbye;

For all my life,

I'll wonder why.

― Lang Leav, Love & Misadventure

8/8

A coincidence of its own kind. 18th August 2015 , I completed my 8th work anniversary and along with it, I also completed my 8th election - peacefully and smoothly! In many ways, my career has always been defined by elections. In fact, my very first post on this blog was on elections. That post was focused on my team and our time spent together, without elaborating on election work per se. But the fact is that during those initial days, I hated the work. It was a lot of paper work that I didn't understand (language being new to me) and extremely high pressure and controversy prone and painstaking. But having done so many of them, I see how much I have changed and "grown up".Today, if anyone were to ask me, carrying out elections is the best part of my job. Its still tough, high pressure, lots of paper work,etc. But, its clear cut. 

If there is one thing I have learnt in the past 8 years of living IN this job, it is that life is a grey coloured sky. There are times when it will pour down upon you and times when the clouds will part to let through beautiful golden ray of sunshine, but most of the time, it  is just grey. It used to confuse me a lot in the early days, because I have grown up in an environment of black and white.. but now I've learnt to accept it, if not like it.. Election time is the one exception to this. Its a clear blue sky with not a wisp of cloud in the vicinity. There are clear cut rules and they simply have to be followed. That's it. Of course, not everyone understands that and people try their own little tricks all the time. But then, election time is the one time it doesn't matter whether others always understand or agree or not. Life during elections is something else altogether. 

I don't know if there will be another election in my career - I would most probably be in a different profile by the time the next one comes along. So, here's toasting, one last time, to our democracy!

A day well spent..

Sometimes I think I am a basically a sadist. This thought struck me today as I spent the whole day with my son - playing, cooking, laughing, shouting. Yes, it can be tiring and difficult. Specially the tantrums and endless fights over eating his food and god when he makes me run behind him to catch him, he really makes my screaming lungs and creaking knees realise their age! But at the end of the day, no matter how badly I scolded him or how much he exasperated me, he forgets everything and holds me close and tells me he loves me as he drifts of to sleep. At that time, every second of every minute spent with him in any manner whatsoever seems completely worth it.

When I compare that with my job, no matter how much time, energy, effort , sweat and heartburn goes into it, there may be some people who appreciate you but there will always be people who criticise you and find some crazy personal agenda in the most public welfare oriented works. Yet, each day I sacrifice the time I could spend with my son for a sometimes thankless job.. that sure enough, should place me in that category.. I don't know why.. I hope that at least he finds it in him to understand when he grows up..

An untimely 'monsoon' and some memories, some thoughts

Its quiet. Cool wet breeze. The smell of rain in the air. Birds, lots of birds.. chirping, chattering. A scene in a video I'm watching is playing a Morrison song from my yesteryears.. Havent had a me-time like this for sometime and my eyes involuntarily close.. maybe it was the video I was watching or the smells in the air triggered it or something but I got these flashback shots just like in movies.. 

School time sundays - music blaring from the first floor common room window, sitting snug between the roots of an old tree with a book and that gorgeous cool hill station breeze carrying the smell of wet earth and eucalyptus straight to my head.. rainy wet college days - bunch of friends, sitting on a damp ledge, with tea, cigarettes and laughter, wet tar roads, leaves strewn over it, rickshaw rides in the rain..

Something happened to me in 2012. I generally had a good memory for events and its details. But in 2012 I lost that ability. I no longer remember so many things friends and relatives narrate.. forget the details, even the events are wiped clean.. so this sudden trip back, snapshots in my head, these were solid memories of some of the really good times from my past, coming back to me after a long time. And has made me so nostalgic. 

There are so many movies on college days, capturing its friendships and troubles. But each person's experience is unique in its own way. For me, today, as I think of it, its about reliving being a person I no longer am. More than feeling bad about that loss, I think back a lot to the places I've been, the people I've been with, the discovering of a new and endless city.. discovering uncanny company to enjoy it with. One learnt to love, to loose, to move on. To rebel. To fight back. And basically surprise yourself with what you are capable of.. When I look back, it seemed like a time which was anything but mundane. Not the dreams we dreamt for ourselves, not the roads we travelled no matter how ridiculous to others.

 And of course, the seasons.. each of the seasons so severe.. when it rained it poured. Winters was all fog. And summers was, well, defined by the pleasure of eating spicy bhel puri at the bus stand and washing it down with 'nimbu banta'!  But the rains, more than anything else.. it seems to define my growing  up.. to borrow a friend's words, whenever I watch 'the jade turn to emerald' around me, it made me feel light and happy.. like I was looking at a whole new world with a whole new bunch of possibilities.. even today, when life's curve is inversed - not necessarily in a bad way, but as a matter of fact : being committed to a job, a family means focusing on maintaining the life we built as opposed to those days of dreaming and defining the life we want to build - rains make me forget to think and just take a deep long breath.. and feel it around me..

No one is happy about the really crazy untimely rains all through last month and even now. Neither am I for macro reasons like the fact that it has really affected the agricultural economy here very badly. But I cant help my smile when I watch the blue sky give way to the rain filled clouds in a matter of minutes. I can feel myself slowly rise above the day to day rigmarole of fire - fighting, shouting at someone to get something done, dodging some cranky idiots on whose daily call list I figure, blah blah blah... all left behind.. and I am feeling truly at peace.. 

Self - introspection

  Last two months have been rather random. Most of it has gone in preparations for yet another round of elections. Good part of November went in preparing for a pre-announced programme of high level visits, inspections, etc. lasting for a week as well as a massive recruitment drive for the Army. This period has also seen a large number of changes in officers - transfers galore.And then, having to deal with yet another department's grassroot workers going on a strike. And this was the fourth time they were going on a strike for a non issue. It took me one and half years, but I finally understood the secret of dealing with such issues this time round! It was fun watching them finally get off their high horse on their 23rd day of strike and return to work unconditionally! Anyhow, I'm digressing. Not to miss, yet another communal tussle brewing, but taken care of after 3 weeks effort.

   What has happened in the process of getting busy with other things and getting to know the new faces is that I  have completely lost the continuity and momentum for the things I was working on. I dont intend to make that my excuse.. I suppose in this job, one should get used to such interruptions, learn to deal with them as a part of the job and yet stay true to the issues close to one's heart at the same time. Be able to handle a full plate so to speak. But I find that these interruptions have only made me lose my interest.. I am finding it difficult to return to a routine of monitoring 40 people for the same things that I have been for the last one year. Monthly meetings for review are of no actual use because people dont comply so easily and a month is just wasted hoping that they will improve.. so weekly meetings are the most suitable. But that takes so much of effort and time if I have to do it thoroughly.. I just dont feel up to it any longer.. 

   Thats not entirely true I suppose. It isnt just that it takes so much effort. It is also that it invites a lot of displeasure. No one likes to be shaken out of their comfort zone and yet that is just what I had been trying to do with various officers. Now it seems I'm falling into a comfort zone of my own - no longer zealous and ready to take on the world. 

   When I started paying special attention to some areas, it wasn't because I was required to by my superiors, but out of my own interest in the subjects. I never expected anything in return or any recognition because I realised from the very beginning that I am touching issues which cannot be showcased. My aim was to bring systemic improvement. But then I wonder now, whether my intentions are getting coloured by others' successful demonstration of their work? I hope not. I really hope not because that is neither the person nor the officer I ever want to be. But why then am I 'hoping not' instead of proclaiming so? Am I losing my way?

   Also, I am never sure of whether I am doing enough at any given point of time. How do you know whether you are doing well at your job? Yes, people are kind enough to say nice things to you, but that isnt a solid measure. I also feel that many times I am unable to give shape to ideas because of my inability to reach out or convince people or as they say, 'liase' in a manner that gets things done. No matter how well intentioned, most of my proposals are getting shot down for unacceptable reasons. This too has gotten to me, making me lose interest in going out of my way. So, I dont want to judge myself by comparing myself with peers, I dont want to go by the words of those around me, behaviour of seniors is not very encouraging, so then how? I never know when to allow my conscience to feel satisfied. And that constantly irks me.

   To add to all these misgivings is the feeling that I have reached the end of my run here. If I was confident of at least this, then I wouldnt be feeling so queasy about my performance. However, that too is so uncertain yet inevitable. 

  The truth is, I need to take all these apprehensive, tired, disheartening thoughts, lock them up and throw them out. Get more organised, recollect the reasons for joining this job, the motivation for picking up these areas to work in and always try to remember that such an opportunity to serve will never return. Ever. 

Civic-less Sensibilities

I made pasta today. It was an exceptionally annoying morning. Nothing annoys me more than having to be somewhere early. And early in my dictionary is anything before 9 am. 

Second in the list of annoying things is having to motivate people to clean up around themselves. Dont get me wrong, the mission / endeavour is great, but the arguments and retorts people come up with is unbearable. Its so unbearable that I dont want to even put it down for posterity! The reason it was exceptionally annoying is that just one month back, JUST a month back we all roamed around the main market, talking shame and sense into all those shopkeepers who encroach on footpaths and throw their stuff into drains. And they were just back to pavilion in no time.

 I firmly believe that something like this has to come from within. 100 employees of some government department cannot be running behind 1 lakh population. It simply cannot happen that way. And I realised today that it isnt that people dont realise how they are responsible for the cleanliness of their surroundings. The fact is they know. But they just dont CARE! This realisation  has hit me really hard.. because I thought I knew how to show people their responsibility but I just dont know how to get the horse to drink the damn water! I mean when you have all the who's who of the political scene and NGO scene and government scene etc talking about cleanliness all day all night, something's got to percolate into an average human right? But isnt happening here! And I am lost. And I hate having to sacrifice my precious sleep and late mornings to things which make me feel lost. That too on a holiday!

So after roaming around the city from 8 to 1 shouting myself hoarse at glassy eyed , disinterested people, I came home all tired and glum and with a cold building up from all that dust. So I decided to indulge in some comfort food. I found this recipe on yummytummy - a simple veg pasta baked. Its so easy to make and really much better than just pasta in white sauce. I clubbed it with a fresh cucumber & tomato salad with a basic dressing and hot toast. It was lovely...

What would have made it perfect though, would be my better half's presence, light conversation, laughter and the feeling of sitting down to a nice little Saturday dinner with family. 

Caste-ing the 'love' net!

An incident took place the other day. I am at a loss for an adjective to precede that noun 'incident' in the previous sentence. I hope anyone who reads this will help come up with something befitting!

Sunday morning, 8 am, me snoring away in bed. Staff rushes in and wakes me up saying there's a girl at the gate saying she wants to meet you and knowing that I dont like meeting anyone at my home, he hastened to add that they have told her to meet me in office next day but she just wont listen and is sitting there and crying. Fearing the worst kind of trauma, I rushed to make myself minimally presentable and called her into the room I use as my office. 

Her sob story was that she has an elder sister, 20 years old, who is refusing to marry the boy chosen by her parents and is instead insisting on marrying another boy. That her mother is going to have heartattack from all the anguish and crying and that her father has tried and tried to persuade the girl but she wont listen. I asked her what she wants me to do about it and she says shes hoping that I will call her and talk some sense into her. 

At first, I tried to brush it off saying, beta, yeh aapki paarivarik samasya hai, bade buzurgon ki sahayta lekar aap parivar ke andar sort out karo and got up to show her the door. She burst into tears saying all that had been tried but her sister was adamant.  Then I got curious as to whats bothering this girl? I can understand parents bringing the house down on this issue, but arent siblings supposed to standby each other?  So I asked her why she was crying so much about it and exactly what about her sister's choice does she have a problem with ? To this , this 16 year old replies with the greatest trepidation in her voice, ma'am, woh ladka doosre caste ka hai. meri didi aise kaise kar sakti hai! kabhi aise suna hai aapne! And then went on to rant about how this other caste boy has trapped her sister in his net and how much her parents are suffering because of her harebrained sister's unimagineable love affair.

At that moment I went through a range of emotions. From anger to stupefication to irritation to plain surrender. I even asked her, why do you think its wrong? havent you been taught in school that differentiating between people on the basis of caste is wrong and meaningless.. she just rambled on something through my questions the essence of which was just that caste is caste , how can she marry outside it. Its such a sad and sorry testatment to our education system and to our culture that even now, this concept of caste is so ripe and so deeply ingrained in our children's psyche and the ideals are constitution glows with is academic at best.. no words can describe my disgust and disappointment with that girl and the entire episode and its larger ramifications.. 

So, how did it end? I stood up and told that bleeping girl that I will not and cannot counsel her sister and she should leave. And when she incredulously asked me why, I told her that I have had an inter caste marriage and I believe strongly in favour of it. 

The only good part of the incident was the look on her face when I told her so :)

My first blog-hop!

Thanks mfdt for nominating my rather random blog for the blog hop! I am as much excited as surprised by this nomination :)

 So, about me..  I have been blogging for almost 8 years now. Didn't realise that so much time had passed till I actually wrote the last line! My first blog was for a specific period in life - when I was studying. And I promptly discontinued it when I stopped. I jumped from a life of a crazy college goer living in a big city, trying to do something good with myself into a completely different world, in the backwaters of this country, a place where I know noone, still trying to do something good.. failing a little, succeeding a little.. so i decided to document this strange but realistically real world and its happenings too through this blog. Its funny that after almost 7 years of starting this blog, its introduction still holds absolutely true!

Given that I write mainly about things that happen through/during work, I want to keep my anonymity intact. Suffice it to say that I'm a government servant. Ive grown up in different places due to my father's transferable job but I loved the variety it brought to my life. Unlike rest of my family, I have had a fairly cosmopolitan upbringing and I am thankful for that. I had always loved to read and play different sports in the past but not much now. 

 I look at mfdt and have been in awe of her versatility. Her ability to juggle her work her baby and all her hobbies and yet find time to read so voraciously amazes me.. I am pretty much the opposite. Since I started working, I have pretty much dropped all old hobbies and havent picked up any new ones, mainly due to my innate laziness I suppose. My time passes from work to my son to tv.

But yes! How can I forget, the one passion that still lives on is food. I am obsessed. I dont blog about it because this blog has a specific mandate. But I spend a lot of time surfing all these wonderful blogs on food. And watching Masterchef Australia! I started with cooking 4 all seasons  - I have spent many wonderful wonderful days in the kitchen in our jammu home making her biryanis and andhra mutton fry! from here on, i started exploring the world of food through many blogs such as  simplyrecipes.com , foodess.com, smittenkitchen.com, chefinyou.com tarladalal.com, yummytummyaarthi.com and so many more! What I love to do nowadays is surfing for food that my very picky son may like to eat and cooking for him. I think these days, the thing that makes my day is when i come home from a stressful tiring day at work and my son climbs into my lap and says in his cute just-begun-talking way that he wants cake! He associates certain things with certain people. So the first time he ate cake was when I baked one incidentally and ever since he associates cake with me alone. A cake baked by anyone else just isnt cake for him! So, now I keep trying out new things which he will like and associate with me and climb into my lap and ask me for!

Blogging has been a big part of my life because it feel therapeutic to write it all down, its a wonderful way to relive your past.. I still read some of my older posts with nostalgia and blogs are what keeps up my passion for cooking. Since this blog - hop is about passing on the spirit of sharing, I nominate pilani pictures , a blog of a friend turning into an author that I follow and aarthi from yummytummy because even though we dont know each other personally, her's is the blog I'm following religiously these days for her yum south indian food.

Reputations and their uneasy road to formation

Rough week. We all read so much about so many people in papers, on the Internet everyday. And we sit in our offices or couches or on the train or flight and make judgement calls on them. Sometimes in one sentence - all sarkari fellows are corrupt! Sometimes waxing eloquently to whoever is nearby about the depths of corruption we as a nation are drowned into, so on and so forth.. 

Today I feel sorry that I have been exactly like one of those people. I have no qualms, no guilty conscience, no sliver of doubt that I am a thoroughly and completely scrupulous officer. And I don't mean that in some compromised, oh-that-doesn't-include-such-and-such-thing manner. I am absolutely clean. Yet, I have been accused of many wrong doings in the papers - about not caring enough , of caring too much, of so many things..I learnt that its a part of the package deal that this job is.. and I'm still trying to get used to it.. skin gets a bit thicker each day.. But, I could not believe my eyes reading a  story on my "corruption". Couched beautifully in a nuanced way, without a direct liable attack and yet it was right there, pointing a finger at me. Since then the only buzz in town has been about 10 other possible ways that in which I could be corrupt. 

After dealing with all the emotions there are - from shock to anger to hurt to helplessness - I am left with just this question in my mind.. how many of those that we read about are like me? and why are people like the reporter above so hell bent on poisoning people's minds and breaking officers' morale? What possible good can come out of this?  For anyone - the reader or the reporter? 

What none of these guys realise is how tough it is. How god damn ******* tough. To be clean and to be seen as clean. And when you are able to carry it through, to be able to meet that standard of toughness day in day out, it makes you proud. Proud that you can wade through this flowing muck each day and yet not let dirty you. All it took was one piece of a devil's imagination to drown me under. I can get used to a lot of things I guess, but this is one thing I will never ever get used to. And I will never ever forgive or forget this. 

I don't know how many people read this blog. But if there's even one person and that person takes a pause next he/she reads such an article about someone, it would be worth it to write this painful experience down. 

Decisions, decisions!

What a week! A nearby place had 2 of their dams breach and all that water comes into a major dam where I work, which itself is ancient and earthen.It breached too. This breach along with the sudden unexpected quantities of rain threatened to break the damn dam. To add to the agony, at the very same time we had 3 other cases of people getting stuck in an island like place, surrounded by water, no way to get out because of the sudden and excess rain. Had to call in RAC from neighbouring district for one place, the Army for another and our own rescue team in the third.

Luckily, I mean very luckily, the dam held up and no casualties amongst those stranded either. I will remember this day for years to come..

What I realised during this ordeal was that when this dam started leaking, I went there and there was an SE, 2 Ex Ens and a bunch of A.Ens from irrigation department there. While they were doing whatever they could with sandbags, it wasn't helping. It was only after I reached and discussed the matter with them that they came out with the real picture that for various reasons it appears to be better NOT to fix the leak when its raining so much! But no one stopped trying to fix it because that was just the usual thing to do. It was only a after they heard it from my mouth - go ahead and stop fixing that leak, start breaking another part of the dam for water outlet - that they jumped to action.

I'm no engineer. I just spoke to them and weighed the two sides they gave me and feedback from villagers standing there.. it is surprising that a complete generalist has to take the decision even for technical things. I find this to be the case in the smallest and biggest of things. No one wants the burden of a decision on them. So my post steps in. We generalists take those damned decisions. In that sense, its a warped job but since thats how the system is, you are contributing everyday and that gives some work satisfaction.

One man and his goats.

One man. 4 goats. Torrential rain. Equals what? Equals to the man and his goats being stranded on a mini island created by incessant rain and the entire administration running around trying to pull him out of there safely. We were unable to with the resources available in my jurisdiction so we needed help from outside. Thats when I decide to visit the spot to see the level and kind of assistance we would need first hand. The flip side of authority is people dont want to tell you even if you are walking into a damn minefield, because it isnt appropriate to question a senior. Or maybe they kept quiet about what lay ahead just to get back at me for some shouting I must have done at some point or something.

Either ways, there I was, oblivious to the slush that lay before me, trudging 2 kms down to the point from where the stranded one could be seen. No one warned us that there is no route, proper or improper to get there. As we walked on, we stumbled through feet high water in clayey paddy fields, getting soaked to the skin in the rain and legs covered in mud.. it was a crazy crazy thing to do.. but I dont know why, it took me back to my childhood in a way. Even though I hadnt ever been in a situation as precarious as this, the constant drizzle, the cold wind and drenched clothes all reminded me of the many monsoons I spent in the western ghats. 

Maybe , if I had a better idea of what I was getting into I wouldnt have gone right to that spot. But Im glad I did. I realised that I love being 'there' when something is wrong, someone needs help. I need to see things with my own eyes, specially if its getting to be a bigger issue than what we anticipated initially. Another thing which probably compels me to go on site is that each time Ive been on such a scene, I have realised that while people gather around in troves, they are usually by-standers. Its only when someone steps up as their leader that they start contributing to the solution. Each time I have walked into such a situation, I have noticed that given my post, people immediately submit themselves to my leadership. They rely on this post to get things done, to sort issues out. And they willingly contribute the best they can as we ask of them. Thats why I have never found it a waste of my time or effort to go to the crisis spot.  It also creates a wonderful feeling of being in one team together. 

Anyhow, we reached the spot, realised there was nothing we could do for the man with the goat from there and trudged all the way back. Found another spot from where a boat could be let into the river. As soon as the rescue team arrived from the neighbouring district, the boat was taken up to the man and he was safely removed from there after being stranded for over 24 hours. Soon as the boat got into the water, I left my deputy in charge and rushed back home to get out of the mud soaked, wet clothes I had been shivering in for over 3 hours - which I didnt have a chance of changing in the village, with so many people thronging around, and of course, because I had no change either!

On the way back, I tried to think back to what precipitated it all. What I realised, Im still not sure whether to be angry at the man or laugh my guts out.. even as the water rose and he had a chance to get out, that man, btw his name is Bablu, decided to stay on that piece of mini island to safeguard his 4 goats! There was enough for the goats to eat over there without his supervision. Why couldnt he just get out and go back when the rain abated? What the hell was he thinking - that in the worst case, he will be able to swim ashore with his goats on his shoulders??? One man. Had about a 100 people on their toes for 12 hours thanks to his love of his goats.  The human race, never ceases to amaze me! 

Awakening..

I was just reading a blog that I used to write many years ago.. I am not sure what made me do so, but Im feeling kind of.. awakened after reading it. I used to write it when I was just out of college and just by my writing I come across to myself as someone with.. a mind of their own, a strong sense of self and most importantly a lack of inhibition and openness, something which is completely removed from me now. 

When I was in college,  we used to have alumni come and speak about how college days are best and once you start working , how life changes you radically etc etc. Like every college kid I used to think to myself, I am never going to turn into this cynical old foggie! I am going to live life to the fullest always! And today, just reading what I wrote so many years ago and comparing it with my writing now, the change is so clear and apparent! Today, I am so guarded, so devoid of a writing style (not that I had some great style earlier, but at least it was distinctive and occasionally funny), such lack of humour, so... bogged down.. thats the accurate word actually.. even in those days I had my share of ups and downs, and spent a lot of time  cribbing about a lot of things, but somehow, there was some.. 'spunk' even in the saddest or angriest entries. Just reading them has made me realise how old and tired I have become... but actually, I'm not that old also, hello!!!!

So, I started going into a rewind of the time that has passed between the last entry in that blog and the first one in this.. revisited some places that I probably shouldnt have.. but anyway, having done so nevertheless, I began to realise that there's been so much that has actually changed.. I mean I always knew that it has, but it kind of dawned upon me like a big time realisation.. In that blog, Ive written about a  couple of people who were important part of my life then and its so.. grown up that some of them, while still being in touch, its just not the same and with some others, things ended, and ended badly too. I mean, in this short span of about 6-7 years, literally every single thing about my life has changed. From the work I do to the people I share my life with, to the kind of lifestyle.. every damn thing.. 

It feels so strange, to be the same person technically, but to have an entirely different life! I guess thats a dream come true for many people but in my case, Im just kind of sorry that it happened without even me realising it! The more I think about it, past years have just been a series of major events one after the other, which have landed me in this planet I am in now, which I didnt ever think about, plan about, dream about! One good thing happened in this soul searching.. I tracked down some of those with whom things ended badly. I did so with great trepidation, not sure of how my feelings would jump out at me.. and I was happy to note that they have moved on.. and they dont appear angry or frustrated at themselves.. theyve moved on in a good way, making a good life for themselves.. and seeing that, actually calmed me.. made me feel like I've made peace with my past.. to be honest, I did spend some time wondering how things would be if 'a', 'b' or 'c' event hadnt happened.. but then, in the end, everyone has moved on and seems to be generally content with their lives - including me, so thats a good thing.. 

  

Another thing that really struck out at me was the sense of surety. About what I wanted, about how things should be done or not done. what is right and what is wrong.. strangely with time, instead of becoming more set in my thoughts about these things, I have become less and less certain.. I have everything I wanted but keep finding it inadequate. Wrongs and rights seem so relative now. Not every right is actually right and not every wrong is actually wrong.. life seems more like a series of compromises now, with a lot of negotiation and haggling for everything which I once thought was a given. This in turn has made each day like walking off the beaten path, finding my way through into a new territory and the constant uncertainty seems to have mentally weakened me in some way, although I cant pinpoint exactly how.. so now i spend my free time like a couch potato, thinking of nothing and doing nothing except watch tv - such a contrast to one of my entries then about how amazing it felt to be able to read so many books back then and how i didnt enjoy tv very much. Its bang opposite today. I dont know when I last read a book and when a day passed without watching at least 2 hours of tv..

Im glad I  did this today.. I need a bit of a wake up call. The strongest feeling all of this has left inside me is, that I need to really pick up and own my life. This feeling that the past few years have happened 'despite' me , is not at all how it should be.. good or bad, happy unhappy highs lows, whatever it is, I should be in some sort of control of the situation, some element of choice in making things go one way or another.. Im not saying it was completely missing, but whatever amount was there, I have forgotten even within such a short span of time! So what is its value?! I have to seize each moment - cliched as it sounds.. I dont want life passing me by, while I stay glued to Masterchef! I dont think anybody  wants that. So its best to let past hurt die its own death and make today the best that I can. Have to find a way out of this comfortable cocoon I keep myself in, take a chance, learn something, do something.. a friend once told me exactly this, which I had all but forgotten - Learn at least one new thing everyday. Otherwise things happening around you will just swallow you.. High time I start listening to this piece of advice..

The End of an Era

I have been coming upon many retirements these days. Almost every month there is one. Every organisation I go to, I seem to have the privilege of seeing a couple of seniors off to their homes. While I thought that so many adieus in the past have made me kind of immune to them, today I find myself feeling at a loss.. for the retirement of an ex boss and a real mentor. Any amount of praise showered upon him would be meaningless.. He is beyond doubt someone we all will remember forever for being one of the most perfect gentlemen and an officer. 

My sense of loss is also due to the fact that my great health isnt allowing me to attend his farewell party and the feeling that I may never see him again in my life is extremely depressing. He is the one person, who without testing me, without pushing me, just inherently trusted me.. and had my back unquestioningly through miserable experiences.. I dont think there is another person in my workplace I can go to for almost anything the way I could to him.. 

I really want to wish him well and a lot of good wishes for his new life.. he's a poet and a litterateur and so I know he will keep himself busy. I do hope that in some way or the other, he is able to be a part of our lives even after he leaves this State.. 

Here's to you Mathew Sir.

Not one of my good days

Parents with broken bones. Unwell and crying baby. Fights at home. Sudden workload. Shitty boss. And recent feedback about what all rubbish is going on in my area under my nose.. Feeling buried under a mountain right now.. Tired like hell. 

Hope this passes.. sooner than later.