Self - introspection

  Last two months have been rather random. Most of it has gone in preparations for yet another round of elections. Good part of November went in preparing for a pre-announced programme of high level visits, inspections, etc. lasting for a week as well as a massive recruitment drive for the Army. This period has also seen a large number of changes in officers - transfers galore.And then, having to deal with yet another department's grassroot workers going on a strike. And this was the fourth time they were going on a strike for a non issue. It took me one and half years, but I finally understood the secret of dealing with such issues this time round! It was fun watching them finally get off their high horse on their 23rd day of strike and return to work unconditionally! Anyhow, I'm digressing. Not to miss, yet another communal tussle brewing, but taken care of after 3 weeks effort.

   What has happened in the process of getting busy with other things and getting to know the new faces is that I  have completely lost the continuity and momentum for the things I was working on. I dont intend to make that my excuse.. I suppose in this job, one should get used to such interruptions, learn to deal with them as a part of the job and yet stay true to the issues close to one's heart at the same time. Be able to handle a full plate so to speak. But I find that these interruptions have only made me lose my interest.. I am finding it difficult to return to a routine of monitoring 40 people for the same things that I have been for the last one year. Monthly meetings for review are of no actual use because people dont comply so easily and a month is just wasted hoping that they will improve.. so weekly meetings are the most suitable. But that takes so much of effort and time if I have to do it thoroughly.. I just dont feel up to it any longer.. 

   Thats not entirely true I suppose. It isnt just that it takes so much effort. It is also that it invites a lot of displeasure. No one likes to be shaken out of their comfort zone and yet that is just what I had been trying to do with various officers. Now it seems I'm falling into a comfort zone of my own - no longer zealous and ready to take on the world. 

   When I started paying special attention to some areas, it wasn't because I was required to by my superiors, but out of my own interest in the subjects. I never expected anything in return or any recognition because I realised from the very beginning that I am touching issues which cannot be showcased. My aim was to bring systemic improvement. But then I wonder now, whether my intentions are getting coloured by others' successful demonstration of their work? I hope not. I really hope not because that is neither the person nor the officer I ever want to be. But why then am I 'hoping not' instead of proclaiming so? Am I losing my way?

   Also, I am never sure of whether I am doing enough at any given point of time. How do you know whether you are doing well at your job? Yes, people are kind enough to say nice things to you, but that isnt a solid measure. I also feel that many times I am unable to give shape to ideas because of my inability to reach out or convince people or as they say, 'liase' in a manner that gets things done. No matter how well intentioned, most of my proposals are getting shot down for unacceptable reasons. This too has gotten to me, making me lose interest in going out of my way. So, I dont want to judge myself by comparing myself with peers, I dont want to go by the words of those around me, behaviour of seniors is not very encouraging, so then how? I never know when to allow my conscience to feel satisfied. And that constantly irks me.

   To add to all these misgivings is the feeling that I have reached the end of my run here. If I was confident of at least this, then I wouldnt be feeling so queasy about my performance. However, that too is so uncertain yet inevitable. 

  The truth is, I need to take all these apprehensive, tired, disheartening thoughts, lock them up and throw them out. Get more organised, recollect the reasons for joining this job, the motivation for picking up these areas to work in and always try to remember that such an opportunity to serve will never return. Ever.