For all my life..

Like time suspended,

a wound unmended--

you and I.

We had no ending,

no said goodbye;

For all my life,

I'll wonder why.

― Lang Leav, Love & Misadventure

8/8

A coincidence of its own kind. 18th August 2015 , I completed my 8th work anniversary and along with it, I also completed my 8th election - peacefully and smoothly! In many ways, my career has always been defined by elections. In fact, my very first post on this blog was on elections. That post was focused on my team and our time spent together, without elaborating on election work per se. But the fact is that during those initial days, I hated the work. It was a lot of paper work that I didn't understand (language being new to me) and extremely high pressure and controversy prone and painstaking. But having done so many of them, I see how much I have changed and "grown up".Today, if anyone were to ask me, carrying out elections is the best part of my job. Its still tough, high pressure, lots of paper work,etc. But, its clear cut. 

If there is one thing I have learnt in the past 8 years of living IN this job, it is that life is a grey coloured sky. There are times when it will pour down upon you and times when the clouds will part to let through beautiful golden ray of sunshine, but most of the time, it  is just grey. It used to confuse me a lot in the early days, because I have grown up in an environment of black and white.. but now I've learnt to accept it, if not like it.. Election time is the one exception to this. Its a clear blue sky with not a wisp of cloud in the vicinity. There are clear cut rules and they simply have to be followed. That's it. Of course, not everyone understands that and people try their own little tricks all the time. But then, election time is the one time it doesn't matter whether others always understand or agree or not. Life during elections is something else altogether. 

I don't know if there will be another election in my career - I would most probably be in a different profile by the time the next one comes along. So, here's toasting, one last time, to our democracy!

A day well spent..

Sometimes I think I am a basically a sadist. This thought struck me today as I spent the whole day with my son - playing, cooking, laughing, shouting. Yes, it can be tiring and difficult. Specially the tantrums and endless fights over eating his food and god when he makes me run behind him to catch him, he really makes my screaming lungs and creaking knees realise their age! But at the end of the day, no matter how badly I scolded him or how much he exasperated me, he forgets everything and holds me close and tells me he loves me as he drifts of to sleep. At that time, every second of every minute spent with him in any manner whatsoever seems completely worth it.

When I compare that with my job, no matter how much time, energy, effort , sweat and heartburn goes into it, there may be some people who appreciate you but there will always be people who criticise you and find some crazy personal agenda in the most public welfare oriented works. Yet, each day I sacrifice the time I could spend with my son for a sometimes thankless job.. that sure enough, should place me in that category.. I don't know why.. I hope that at least he finds it in him to understand when he grows up..

An untimely 'monsoon' and some memories, some thoughts

Its quiet. Cool wet breeze. The smell of rain in the air. Birds, lots of birds.. chirping, chattering. A scene in a video I'm watching is playing a Morrison song from my yesteryears.. Havent had a me-time like this for sometime and my eyes involuntarily close.. maybe it was the video I was watching or the smells in the air triggered it or something but I got these flashback shots just like in movies.. 

School time sundays - music blaring from the first floor common room window, sitting snug between the roots of an old tree with a book and that gorgeous cool hill station breeze carrying the smell of wet earth and eucalyptus straight to my head.. rainy wet college days - bunch of friends, sitting on a damp ledge, with tea, cigarettes and laughter, wet tar roads, leaves strewn over it, rickshaw rides in the rain..

Something happened to me in 2012. I generally had a good memory for events and its details. But in 2012 I lost that ability. I no longer remember so many things friends and relatives narrate.. forget the details, even the events are wiped clean.. so this sudden trip back, snapshots in my head, these were solid memories of some of the really good times from my past, coming back to me after a long time. And has made me so nostalgic. 

There are so many movies on college days, capturing its friendships and troubles. But each person's experience is unique in its own way. For me, today, as I think of it, its about reliving being a person I no longer am. More than feeling bad about that loss, I think back a lot to the places I've been, the people I've been with, the discovering of a new and endless city.. discovering uncanny company to enjoy it with. One learnt to love, to loose, to move on. To rebel. To fight back. And basically surprise yourself with what you are capable of.. When I look back, it seemed like a time which was anything but mundane. Not the dreams we dreamt for ourselves, not the roads we travelled no matter how ridiculous to others.

 And of course, the seasons.. each of the seasons so severe.. when it rained it poured. Winters was all fog. And summers was, well, defined by the pleasure of eating spicy bhel puri at the bus stand and washing it down with 'nimbu banta'!  But the rains, more than anything else.. it seems to define my growing  up.. to borrow a friend's words, whenever I watch 'the jade turn to emerald' around me, it made me feel light and happy.. like I was looking at a whole new world with a whole new bunch of possibilities.. even today, when life's curve is inversed - not necessarily in a bad way, but as a matter of fact : being committed to a job, a family means focusing on maintaining the life we built as opposed to those days of dreaming and defining the life we want to build - rains make me forget to think and just take a deep long breath.. and feel it around me..

No one is happy about the really crazy untimely rains all through last month and even now. Neither am I for macro reasons like the fact that it has really affected the agricultural economy here very badly. But I cant help my smile when I watch the blue sky give way to the rain filled clouds in a matter of minutes. I can feel myself slowly rise above the day to day rigmarole of fire - fighting, shouting at someone to get something done, dodging some cranky idiots on whose daily call list I figure, blah blah blah... all left behind.. and I am feeling truly at peace.. 

Self - introspection

  Last two months have been rather random. Most of it has gone in preparations for yet another round of elections. Good part of November went in preparing for a pre-announced programme of high level visits, inspections, etc. lasting for a week as well as a massive recruitment drive for the Army. This period has also seen a large number of changes in officers - transfers galore.And then, having to deal with yet another department's grassroot workers going on a strike. And this was the fourth time they were going on a strike for a non issue. It took me one and half years, but I finally understood the secret of dealing with such issues this time round! It was fun watching them finally get off their high horse on their 23rd day of strike and return to work unconditionally! Anyhow, I'm digressing. Not to miss, yet another communal tussle brewing, but taken care of after 3 weeks effort.

   What has happened in the process of getting busy with other things and getting to know the new faces is that I  have completely lost the continuity and momentum for the things I was working on. I dont intend to make that my excuse.. I suppose in this job, one should get used to such interruptions, learn to deal with them as a part of the job and yet stay true to the issues close to one's heart at the same time. Be able to handle a full plate so to speak. But I find that these interruptions have only made me lose my interest.. I am finding it difficult to return to a routine of monitoring 40 people for the same things that I have been for the last one year. Monthly meetings for review are of no actual use because people dont comply so easily and a month is just wasted hoping that they will improve.. so weekly meetings are the most suitable. But that takes so much of effort and time if I have to do it thoroughly.. I just dont feel up to it any longer.. 

   Thats not entirely true I suppose. It isnt just that it takes so much effort. It is also that it invites a lot of displeasure. No one likes to be shaken out of their comfort zone and yet that is just what I had been trying to do with various officers. Now it seems I'm falling into a comfort zone of my own - no longer zealous and ready to take on the world. 

   When I started paying special attention to some areas, it wasn't because I was required to by my superiors, but out of my own interest in the subjects. I never expected anything in return or any recognition because I realised from the very beginning that I am touching issues which cannot be showcased. My aim was to bring systemic improvement. But then I wonder now, whether my intentions are getting coloured by others' successful demonstration of their work? I hope not. I really hope not because that is neither the person nor the officer I ever want to be. But why then am I 'hoping not' instead of proclaiming so? Am I losing my way?

   Also, I am never sure of whether I am doing enough at any given point of time. How do you know whether you are doing well at your job? Yes, people are kind enough to say nice things to you, but that isnt a solid measure. I also feel that many times I am unable to give shape to ideas because of my inability to reach out or convince people or as they say, 'liase' in a manner that gets things done. No matter how well intentioned, most of my proposals are getting shot down for unacceptable reasons. This too has gotten to me, making me lose interest in going out of my way. So, I dont want to judge myself by comparing myself with peers, I dont want to go by the words of those around me, behaviour of seniors is not very encouraging, so then how? I never know when to allow my conscience to feel satisfied. And that constantly irks me.

   To add to all these misgivings is the feeling that I have reached the end of my run here. If I was confident of at least this, then I wouldnt be feeling so queasy about my performance. However, that too is so uncertain yet inevitable. 

  The truth is, I need to take all these apprehensive, tired, disheartening thoughts, lock them up and throw them out. Get more organised, recollect the reasons for joining this job, the motivation for picking up these areas to work in and always try to remember that such an opportunity to serve will never return. Ever.