Civic-less Sensibilities

I made pasta today. It was an exceptionally annoying morning. Nothing annoys me more than having to be somewhere early. And early in my dictionary is anything before 9 am. 

Second in the list of annoying things is having to motivate people to clean up around themselves. Dont get me wrong, the mission / endeavour is great, but the arguments and retorts people come up with is unbearable. Its so unbearable that I dont want to even put it down for posterity! The reason it was exceptionally annoying is that just one month back, JUST a month back we all roamed around the main market, talking shame and sense into all those shopkeepers who encroach on footpaths and throw their stuff into drains. And they were just back to pavilion in no time.

 I firmly believe that something like this has to come from within. 100 employees of some government department cannot be running behind 1 lakh population. It simply cannot happen that way. And I realised today that it isnt that people dont realise how they are responsible for the cleanliness of their surroundings. The fact is they know. But they just dont CARE! This realisation  has hit me really hard.. because I thought I knew how to show people their responsibility but I just dont know how to get the horse to drink the damn water! I mean when you have all the who's who of the political scene and NGO scene and government scene etc talking about cleanliness all day all night, something's got to percolate into an average human right? But isnt happening here! And I am lost. And I hate having to sacrifice my precious sleep and late mornings to things which make me feel lost. That too on a holiday!

So after roaming around the city from 8 to 1 shouting myself hoarse at glassy eyed , disinterested people, I came home all tired and glum and with a cold building up from all that dust. So I decided to indulge in some comfort food. I found this recipe on yummytummy - a simple veg pasta baked. Its so easy to make and really much better than just pasta in white sauce. I clubbed it with a fresh cucumber & tomato salad with a basic dressing and hot toast. It was lovely...

What would have made it perfect though, would be my better half's presence, light conversation, laughter and the feeling of sitting down to a nice little Saturday dinner with family. 

Caste-ing the 'love' net!

An incident took place the other day. I am at a loss for an adjective to precede that noun 'incident' in the previous sentence. I hope anyone who reads this will help come up with something befitting!

Sunday morning, 8 am, me snoring away in bed. Staff rushes in and wakes me up saying there's a girl at the gate saying she wants to meet you and knowing that I dont like meeting anyone at my home, he hastened to add that they have told her to meet me in office next day but she just wont listen and is sitting there and crying. Fearing the worst kind of trauma, I rushed to make myself minimally presentable and called her into the room I use as my office. 

Her sob story was that she has an elder sister, 20 years old, who is refusing to marry the boy chosen by her parents and is instead insisting on marrying another boy. That her mother is going to have heartattack from all the anguish and crying and that her father has tried and tried to persuade the girl but she wont listen. I asked her what she wants me to do about it and she says shes hoping that I will call her and talk some sense into her. 

At first, I tried to brush it off saying, beta, yeh aapki paarivarik samasya hai, bade buzurgon ki sahayta lekar aap parivar ke andar sort out karo and got up to show her the door. She burst into tears saying all that had been tried but her sister was adamant.  Then I got curious as to whats bothering this girl? I can understand parents bringing the house down on this issue, but arent siblings supposed to standby each other?  So I asked her why she was crying so much about it and exactly what about her sister's choice does she have a problem with ? To this , this 16 year old replies with the greatest trepidation in her voice, ma'am, woh ladka doosre caste ka hai. meri didi aise kaise kar sakti hai! kabhi aise suna hai aapne! And then went on to rant about how this other caste boy has trapped her sister in his net and how much her parents are suffering because of her harebrained sister's unimagineable love affair.

At that moment I went through a range of emotions. From anger to stupefication to irritation to plain surrender. I even asked her, why do you think its wrong? havent you been taught in school that differentiating between people on the basis of caste is wrong and meaningless.. she just rambled on something through my questions the essence of which was just that caste is caste , how can she marry outside it. Its such a sad and sorry testatment to our education system and to our culture that even now, this concept of caste is so ripe and so deeply ingrained in our children's psyche and the ideals are constitution glows with is academic at best.. no words can describe my disgust and disappointment with that girl and the entire episode and its larger ramifications.. 

So, how did it end? I stood up and told that bleeping girl that I will not and cannot counsel her sister and she should leave. And when she incredulously asked me why, I told her that I have had an inter caste marriage and I believe strongly in favour of it. 

The only good part of the incident was the look on her face when I told her so :)

My first blog-hop!

Thanks mfdt for nominating my rather random blog for the blog hop! I am as much excited as surprised by this nomination :)

 So, about me..  I have been blogging for almost 8 years now. Didn't realise that so much time had passed till I actually wrote the last line! My first blog was for a specific period in life - when I was studying. And I promptly discontinued it when I stopped. I jumped from a life of a crazy college goer living in a big city, trying to do something good with myself into a completely different world, in the backwaters of this country, a place where I know noone, still trying to do something good.. failing a little, succeeding a little.. so i decided to document this strange but realistically real world and its happenings too through this blog. Its funny that after almost 7 years of starting this blog, its introduction still holds absolutely true!

Given that I write mainly about things that happen through/during work, I want to keep my anonymity intact. Suffice it to say that I'm a government servant. Ive grown up in different places due to my father's transferable job but I loved the variety it brought to my life. Unlike rest of my family, I have had a fairly cosmopolitan upbringing and I am thankful for that. I had always loved to read and play different sports in the past but not much now. 

 I look at mfdt and have been in awe of her versatility. Her ability to juggle her work her baby and all her hobbies and yet find time to read so voraciously amazes me.. I am pretty much the opposite. Since I started working, I have pretty much dropped all old hobbies and havent picked up any new ones, mainly due to my innate laziness I suppose. My time passes from work to my son to tv.

But yes! How can I forget, the one passion that still lives on is food. I am obsessed. I dont blog about it because this blog has a specific mandate. But I spend a lot of time surfing all these wonderful blogs on food. And watching Masterchef Australia! I started with cooking 4 all seasons  - I have spent many wonderful wonderful days in the kitchen in our jammu home making her biryanis and andhra mutton fry! from here on, i started exploring the world of food through many blogs such as  simplyrecipes.com , foodess.com, smittenkitchen.com, chefinyou.com tarladalal.com, yummytummyaarthi.com and so many more! What I love to do nowadays is surfing for food that my very picky son may like to eat and cooking for him. I think these days, the thing that makes my day is when i come home from a stressful tiring day at work and my son climbs into my lap and says in his cute just-begun-talking way that he wants cake! He associates certain things with certain people. So the first time he ate cake was when I baked one incidentally and ever since he associates cake with me alone. A cake baked by anyone else just isnt cake for him! So, now I keep trying out new things which he will like and associate with me and climb into my lap and ask me for!

Blogging has been a big part of my life because it feel therapeutic to write it all down, its a wonderful way to relive your past.. I still read some of my older posts with nostalgia and blogs are what keeps up my passion for cooking. Since this blog - hop is about passing on the spirit of sharing, I nominate pilani pictures , a blog of a friend turning into an author that I follow and aarthi from yummytummy because even though we dont know each other personally, her's is the blog I'm following religiously these days for her yum south indian food.

Reputations and their uneasy road to formation

Rough week. We all read so much about so many people in papers, on the Internet everyday. And we sit in our offices or couches or on the train or flight and make judgement calls on them. Sometimes in one sentence - all sarkari fellows are corrupt! Sometimes waxing eloquently to whoever is nearby about the depths of corruption we as a nation are drowned into, so on and so forth.. 

Today I feel sorry that I have been exactly like one of those people. I have no qualms, no guilty conscience, no sliver of doubt that I am a thoroughly and completely scrupulous officer. And I don't mean that in some compromised, oh-that-doesn't-include-such-and-such-thing manner. I am absolutely clean. Yet, I have been accused of many wrong doings in the papers - about not caring enough , of caring too much, of so many things..I learnt that its a part of the package deal that this job is.. and I'm still trying to get used to it.. skin gets a bit thicker each day.. But, I could not believe my eyes reading a  story on my "corruption". Couched beautifully in a nuanced way, without a direct liable attack and yet it was right there, pointing a finger at me. Since then the only buzz in town has been about 10 other possible ways that in which I could be corrupt. 

After dealing with all the emotions there are - from shock to anger to hurt to helplessness - I am left with just this question in my mind.. how many of those that we read about are like me? and why are people like the reporter above so hell bent on poisoning people's minds and breaking officers' morale? What possible good can come out of this?  For anyone - the reader or the reporter? 

What none of these guys realise is how tough it is. How god damn ******* tough. To be clean and to be seen as clean. And when you are able to carry it through, to be able to meet that standard of toughness day in day out, it makes you proud. Proud that you can wade through this flowing muck each day and yet not let dirty you. All it took was one piece of a devil's imagination to drown me under. I can get used to a lot of things I guess, but this is one thing I will never ever get used to. And I will never ever forgive or forget this. 

I don't know how many people read this blog. But if there's even one person and that person takes a pause next he/she reads such an article about someone, it would be worth it to write this painful experience down. 

Decisions, decisions!

What a week! A nearby place had 2 of their dams breach and all that water comes into a major dam where I work, which itself is ancient and earthen.It breached too. This breach along with the sudden unexpected quantities of rain threatened to break the damn dam. To add to the agony, at the very same time we had 3 other cases of people getting stuck in an island like place, surrounded by water, no way to get out because of the sudden and excess rain. Had to call in RAC from neighbouring district for one place, the Army for another and our own rescue team in the third.

Luckily, I mean very luckily, the dam held up and no casualties amongst those stranded either. I will remember this day for years to come..

What I realised during this ordeal was that when this dam started leaking, I went there and there was an SE, 2 Ex Ens and a bunch of A.Ens from irrigation department there. While they were doing whatever they could with sandbags, it wasn't helping. It was only after I reached and discussed the matter with them that they came out with the real picture that for various reasons it appears to be better NOT to fix the leak when its raining so much! But no one stopped trying to fix it because that was just the usual thing to do. It was only a after they heard it from my mouth - go ahead and stop fixing that leak, start breaking another part of the dam for water outlet - that they jumped to action.

I'm no engineer. I just spoke to them and weighed the two sides they gave me and feedback from villagers standing there.. it is surprising that a complete generalist has to take the decision even for technical things. I find this to be the case in the smallest and biggest of things. No one wants the burden of a decision on them. So my post steps in. We generalists take those damned decisions. In that sense, its a warped job but since thats how the system is, you are contributing everyday and that gives some work satisfaction.

One man and his goats.

One man. 4 goats. Torrential rain. Equals what? Equals to the man and his goats being stranded on a mini island created by incessant rain and the entire administration running around trying to pull him out of there safely. We were unable to with the resources available in my jurisdiction so we needed help from outside. Thats when I decide to visit the spot to see the level and kind of assistance we would need first hand. The flip side of authority is people dont want to tell you even if you are walking into a damn minefield, because it isnt appropriate to question a senior. Or maybe they kept quiet about what lay ahead just to get back at me for some shouting I must have done at some point or something.

Either ways, there I was, oblivious to the slush that lay before me, trudging 2 kms down to the point from where the stranded one could be seen. No one warned us that there is no route, proper or improper to get there. As we walked on, we stumbled through feet high water in clayey paddy fields, getting soaked to the skin in the rain and legs covered in mud.. it was a crazy crazy thing to do.. but I dont know why, it took me back to my childhood in a way. Even though I hadnt ever been in a situation as precarious as this, the constant drizzle, the cold wind and drenched clothes all reminded me of the many monsoons I spent in the western ghats. 

Maybe , if I had a better idea of what I was getting into I wouldnt have gone right to that spot. But Im glad I did. I realised that I love being 'there' when something is wrong, someone needs help. I need to see things with my own eyes, specially if its getting to be a bigger issue than what we anticipated initially. Another thing which probably compels me to go on site is that each time Ive been on such a scene, I have realised that while people gather around in troves, they are usually by-standers. Its only when someone steps up as their leader that they start contributing to the solution. Each time I have walked into such a situation, I have noticed that given my post, people immediately submit themselves to my leadership. They rely on this post to get things done, to sort issues out. And they willingly contribute the best they can as we ask of them. Thats why I have never found it a waste of my time or effort to go to the crisis spot.  It also creates a wonderful feeling of being in one team together. 

Anyhow, we reached the spot, realised there was nothing we could do for the man with the goat from there and trudged all the way back. Found another spot from where a boat could be let into the river. As soon as the rescue team arrived from the neighbouring district, the boat was taken up to the man and he was safely removed from there after being stranded for over 24 hours. Soon as the boat got into the water, I left my deputy in charge and rushed back home to get out of the mud soaked, wet clothes I had been shivering in for over 3 hours - which I didnt have a chance of changing in the village, with so many people thronging around, and of course, because I had no change either!

On the way back, I tried to think back to what precipitated it all. What I realised, Im still not sure whether to be angry at the man or laugh my guts out.. even as the water rose and he had a chance to get out, that man, btw his name is Bablu, decided to stay on that piece of mini island to safeguard his 4 goats! There was enough for the goats to eat over there without his supervision. Why couldnt he just get out and go back when the rain abated? What the hell was he thinking - that in the worst case, he will be able to swim ashore with his goats on his shoulders??? One man. Had about a 100 people on their toes for 12 hours thanks to his love of his goats.  The human race, never ceases to amaze me! 

Awakening..

I was just reading a blog that I used to write many years ago.. I am not sure what made me do so, but Im feeling kind of.. awakened after reading it. I used to write it when I was just out of college and just by my writing I come across to myself as someone with.. a mind of their own, a strong sense of self and most importantly a lack of inhibition and openness, something which is completely removed from me now. 

When I was in college,  we used to have alumni come and speak about how college days are best and once you start working , how life changes you radically etc etc. Like every college kid I used to think to myself, I am never going to turn into this cynical old foggie! I am going to live life to the fullest always! And today, just reading what I wrote so many years ago and comparing it with my writing now, the change is so clear and apparent! Today, I am so guarded, so devoid of a writing style (not that I had some great style earlier, but at least it was distinctive and occasionally funny), such lack of humour, so... bogged down.. thats the accurate word actually.. even in those days I had my share of ups and downs, and spent a lot of time  cribbing about a lot of things, but somehow, there was some.. 'spunk' even in the saddest or angriest entries. Just reading them has made me realise how old and tired I have become... but actually, I'm not that old also, hello!!!!

So, I started going into a rewind of the time that has passed between the last entry in that blog and the first one in this.. revisited some places that I probably shouldnt have.. but anyway, having done so nevertheless, I began to realise that there's been so much that has actually changed.. I mean I always knew that it has, but it kind of dawned upon me like a big time realisation.. In that blog, Ive written about a  couple of people who were important part of my life then and its so.. grown up that some of them, while still being in touch, its just not the same and with some others, things ended, and ended badly too. I mean, in this short span of about 6-7 years, literally every single thing about my life has changed. From the work I do to the people I share my life with, to the kind of lifestyle.. every damn thing.. 

It feels so strange, to be the same person technically, but to have an entirely different life! I guess thats a dream come true for many people but in my case, Im just kind of sorry that it happened without even me realising it! The more I think about it, past years have just been a series of major events one after the other, which have landed me in this planet I am in now, which I didnt ever think about, plan about, dream about! One good thing happened in this soul searching.. I tracked down some of those with whom things ended badly. I did so with great trepidation, not sure of how my feelings would jump out at me.. and I was happy to note that they have moved on.. and they dont appear angry or frustrated at themselves.. theyve moved on in a good way, making a good life for themselves.. and seeing that, actually calmed me.. made me feel like I've made peace with my past.. to be honest, I did spend some time wondering how things would be if 'a', 'b' or 'c' event hadnt happened.. but then, in the end, everyone has moved on and seems to be generally content with their lives - including me, so thats a good thing.. 

  

Another thing that really struck out at me was the sense of surety. About what I wanted, about how things should be done or not done. what is right and what is wrong.. strangely with time, instead of becoming more set in my thoughts about these things, I have become less and less certain.. I have everything I wanted but keep finding it inadequate. Wrongs and rights seem so relative now. Not every right is actually right and not every wrong is actually wrong.. life seems more like a series of compromises now, with a lot of negotiation and haggling for everything which I once thought was a given. This in turn has made each day like walking off the beaten path, finding my way through into a new territory and the constant uncertainty seems to have mentally weakened me in some way, although I cant pinpoint exactly how.. so now i spend my free time like a couch potato, thinking of nothing and doing nothing except watch tv - such a contrast to one of my entries then about how amazing it felt to be able to read so many books back then and how i didnt enjoy tv very much. Its bang opposite today. I dont know when I last read a book and when a day passed without watching at least 2 hours of tv..

Im glad I  did this today.. I need a bit of a wake up call. The strongest feeling all of this has left inside me is, that I need to really pick up and own my life. This feeling that the past few years have happened 'despite' me , is not at all how it should be.. good or bad, happy unhappy highs lows, whatever it is, I should be in some sort of control of the situation, some element of choice in making things go one way or another.. Im not saying it was completely missing, but whatever amount was there, I have forgotten even within such a short span of time! So what is its value?! I have to seize each moment - cliched as it sounds.. I dont want life passing me by, while I stay glued to Masterchef! I dont think anybody  wants that. So its best to let past hurt die its own death and make today the best that I can. Have to find a way out of this comfortable cocoon I keep myself in, take a chance, learn something, do something.. a friend once told me exactly this, which I had all but forgotten - Learn at least one new thing everyday. Otherwise things happening around you will just swallow you.. High time I start listening to this piece of advice..

The End of an Era

I have been coming upon many retirements these days. Almost every month there is one. Every organisation I go to, I seem to have the privilege of seeing a couple of seniors off to their homes. While I thought that so many adieus in the past have made me kind of immune to them, today I find myself feeling at a loss.. for the retirement of an ex boss and a real mentor. Any amount of praise showered upon him would be meaningless.. He is beyond doubt someone we all will remember forever for being one of the most perfect gentlemen and an officer. 

My sense of loss is also due to the fact that my great health isnt allowing me to attend his farewell party and the feeling that I may never see him again in my life is extremely depressing. He is the one person, who without testing me, without pushing me, just inherently trusted me.. and had my back unquestioningly through miserable experiences.. I dont think there is another person in my workplace I can go to for almost anything the way I could to him.. 

I really want to wish him well and a lot of good wishes for his new life.. he's a poet and a litterateur and so I know he will keep himself busy. I do hope that in some way or the other, he is able to be a part of our lives even after he leaves this State.. 

Here's to you Mathew Sir.

Not one of my good days

Parents with broken bones. Unwell and crying baby. Fights at home. Sudden workload. Shitty boss. And recent feedback about what all rubbish is going on in my area under my nose.. Feeling buried under a mountain right now.. Tired like hell. 

Hope this passes.. sooner than later. 

Long Pause

In the last 2 months, so much has happened that I haven't blogged about that now I find it difficult to pinpoint and write down. Some tragic deaths of innocent people, some major unionisation against me for demanding accountability from staff.. some disgusting politics thwarting wonderful projects and maligning sincere workers.. sometimes I really wonder what makes this job worth all this? Since I have been constantly making this blog a punching bag of sorts I thought I should avoid writing till I have some sliver of a good thing to document. 

So, some good projects have seen the light of day.. managed to finalise the starting of a K.V school here, dumping grounds which was a long standing requirement, other important offices which were running rented buildings have been taken care of, through all the union nonsense, it was heartening to hear stories of mild improvements sprouting here and there.. 

Its tiring to fight for every little thing that should actually just take place ipso facto..sometimes I just want to leave all this and go somewhere far away where I can get some peace of mind, and family time without feeling guilty for not looking into some crisis or the other..  But when occasionally the effort translates into something good, it gives me reason to try just a tiny bit more.. Hence the return, after the long pause! 

Innovation

This word has been the bane of my existence in this job. I dont know what it means, how its done and I gawk in awe at people who earn such fame with their innovative projects, whatever they may be. I was reading C.G.Somiah's autobiography and it struck me quite glaringly that in all his anecdotes (the book is more like a collection of anecdotes, very interesting to read, without much personal opinions), the work that the earlier generation of civil servants used to focus on and take pride in, was getting the system up and running properly by taking timely, sensible decisions over things, taking a stand on right or wrong and helping those in need by all the resources at their command. Much to its contrast, current day administration is more about innovative projects. All the things mentioned above are maybe taken for granted, taken as routine or maybe somewhere down the line, these expectations from officers itself has disappeared. Now a good officer isnt necessarily an honest guy who takes a stand in a tough situation in the larger interest of society. I find that increasingly, it is one who can manage all local forces - other departments, media, unions and other sundry pressure groups - such that no wrong messages go upwards and then as a bonus, roll out some new project once in a while.

I dont mean this in a demeaning manner. The fact is, this kind of management is a very difficult skill to hone and not everyone's cup of tea. Certainly not mine. And in addition to all that jugglery, to come up with interesting projects to work on, is really something. The only bee in my bonnet is, what about regular administration? Why isnt that a priority any more? What happens when the officer leaves and the project fizzles out? Isnt that a sheer waste of energy and effort? Isnt it necessary to discern between eye catching and meaningful innovations - those which are sustainable after the officer leaves, and continues to deliver long after it has, to use Weber's word, routinized? 

I dont know why, maybe all these questions are rising in my head because I am not a competitive person by nature and I find people always comparing me to others to assess how 'innovative' I am and it makes me so uncomfortable.. like a little school boy under the scrutiny of the strict school headmaster, maybe because I see so many 'innovative' projects lying wasted, like a street after a carnival.. maybe its because I am trying to work on a few long term projects and I am finding the going so so tough.. starting it was easy enough, but to put in place a system which will make the changes last is proving to be formidable.. and I am realising that this is the actual challenge, to 'make changes in something established, especially by introducing new methods, ideas or products' ( thats the definition of 'to innovate' as per Oxford Dictionary) proper long term result yielding changes. 

A job well done

One of the earliest posts in this blog was about elections. And how I detested the whole process and found it a waste of time and money. A slight correction. I still think its a huge waste of money when there are back to back elections and that we need to find a way to bunch them together the way it was done in Orissa a few days back. But apart from that, I have come to love this period.

I now realise that my dislike for it initially was due to my poor grasp over the language and I used to feel overwhelmed by the amount of reading of rules, circulars, letters that it required. But now, 5 years down the line, a bit better equipped linguistically, I had a bigger responsibility than previously to manage elections in about 6 times the area I previously had done. 

I have reached the conclusion that there is no task better organised than elections. Firstly, the rules of the game are crystal clear. No exceptions.While that seems so ordinary, the fact is, life in the day to day is not like that. Even if I want to keep it that way, there are many people above below and parallel who don't subscribe to that theory, for various reasons (a different debate altogether). This level playing field is absolutely wonderful because you can actually see how people change from this egoistic self obsessed attitude to one where they bow down to the rules. 

Secondly, this is the only task in which the staff remains disciplined. Unfortunately, one of the worst things about our society today is not corruption - that's the symptom. The root of it, is lack of self - discipline across the bureaucracy. Everything else stems from it. When a person thinks that however lower down in the hierarchy his post is, just because he is connected to x, y, z he can get away with blue murder, and actually often does - that's how everything that is wrong with us begins. There has to be a basic minimum of discipline towards our work, in our behaviour to our subordinates and superiors and a basic respect for the fact that the executive branch is separate from the political branch of governance. Anyhow, the point is, elections is the only time when that discipline surfaces, albeit due to fear of the Commission, but its a fear I most welcome. This creates a well oiled machinery working 24x7, days on end, but flawlessly.

Thirdly, things are unambiguous. I mean, you don't have much scope to interpret things differently and I for one, am in complete favour of that. I do realise that it isn't always possible to have iron clad rules for all departments, but I do think that any lee way that is given for interpretation has to be within a broader framework of clear cut rules otherwise it just causes problems and suspicions in the minds of people. However, in elections, this kind of clarity is most welcome. So, although it means that you have to read like a thousand letter everyday, its great  because anyone questions your decision, you can simply pull out the letter and wave it to them. And that silences all opposition!

At the end of the whole gruelling 2-3 months, when the job is done, the satisfaction.. its beyond words. I feel such pride in our team, our management and planning.. I cannot describe the sense of contentment.. I have a beatific smile on my face as I write about it! 

Random

I have nothing really I want to write about today.. But I just noticed its been a while since I made an entry I dont want to slip up again.. at least not so soon!

I have had a long holiday - as in officially, 3 days off in a row.. and I have only come to realise in this span of time how hopelessly lazy and uninspiring I have become! I dont exercise or pursue a hobby or keep abrest of the latest in the world or even up to date on things that would improve my work.. I feel like Ive been plucked out of my natural surroundings and thrown into some place I dont belong but have to try to fit in. I try, but its amazing how nothing interests me. I dont know how I became this way.. and I didnt like the glimpse of me I had these three days.

So,my biggest excuse - the elections - is going to be over soon and I have resolved to make each day count more. Not just in terms of work, but in terms of everything I mentioned above. Lets see how far I get..

Rainy enigmatic nights

Its 12 in the night. A sudden burst of clouds. And rain.. 

I know a lot of people who swear by the goodness of early morning. The power that the sun brings and so forth. But the night.. I dont know how people skip the gorgeous dark quiet night for anything.. The perfect stillness. The amplified sounds of mundane things like the clock ticking.. im addicted to it..

And to that, rain.. my heart and mind just brims over.. I cannot get myself to sleep.. Today, as I stand on the steps of my porch after the rain, and take in the most blessed of smells - of rain on earth- and look around at the glistening quietness that is my garden, I feel overwhelmed with gratitude. For the life I have. For my family, and my few but dear friends. For my job, with which I share a love-hate relationship in the most literal sense. For the opportunities I get and for the mistakes I made that have made me stronger.

And not the least, for the dark rain in the night, and for being able to take in its beauty.. Today, I have no complains!

Transfers

Transfers are supposed to be a way of life for us. And personally, after about 6 months, I am mentally prepared for one anyhow. But this is the first time I've faced such disappointment over transfer of my subordinates. Barring 3, each and every officer I was working with got transferred recently. None of these officers had been in their present postings for more than 6-7 months. All that is ok. As I said, a way of life for us. But there was this one particular officer that I wanted to retain. I tried my level best. Spoke to all those people who I felt could help. But to no avail.

This officer is outstandingly honest, driven, hardworking and the best officer I have worked with so far. He has been here only for 6 months and there is not a soul in this place, official, political or any other category, who can raise a finger at him, for his work has been exceptional. Even those behind his transfer sheepishly admit to this but claim other compulsions that they have made them do this. And as though having him sent out isnt enough, even his close aides, who have shown allegiance to him in work have been moved out. Complete annihilation. 

For me, it is a time of greatest dilemma for me personally. I was the one who encouraged them to work towards setting right some basic problems. They gave more of their time, energy and effort than they were technically required to at my behest. Now seeing their case, why will anyone, well meaning or not, ever work so whole heartedly with me? As a leader, I have not been able to protect them at all. I am feeling so... inadequate, like I let them down. How am I supposed to call upon any officer to take up any work ?

And what is the work taken up? Thats what amazes me, today, to expect a teacher to just teach or a doctor to just attend to a patient or a lineman to fix a light problem in time is seen by them as blasphemy! How dare anyone expect us to attend school/hospital when we dont feel the need to? So what if kids in 7th std dont know how to read? Or if a woman lying in the hospital under labour keeps screaming saying her chest is paining , how dare we be expected to immidiately refer her to a heart specialist? How DARE anyone finger us? question us? tell us to actually DO the job we were hired to do? 

That is all we did. Nothing fancy. Just told teachers to teach rather than use pass books for kids of 4th to 10th standard. To attend regularly. To take leave beforehand. My entire team who dared to ask for these basic things got thrown out. My only regret is I didnt. And I have to sit here and feel... this.. impotence. I just feel so angry, so disappointed, so useless.. I mean, what work am I supposed to? I have no answers. And I just dont want to go to office anymore. We are just bloody pawns. Expendable useless pawns. 

The Other Life

Spent a luxurious half hour watching Jamie Olivier whip up a gorgeous meal of something I can neither spell nor pronounce. Sometimes I try to imagine how my life would be if I wasnt working. And on days like this, when everyone and everything seems to be turning against me, Jamie Olivier sent me to a world of bright sunny kitchens joyous smells and happy gurgles of people with filled tummys. 

And I would be dishonest if I didnt admit that on many occasions I dream, even now, of packing of everyone at home to their respective day time institutions and sitting down to enjoy a quite cup of tea on late mornings, maybe the morning paper in hand, with the sun streaming down through a blue painted window.. tiny potted plants on the sill.. some peppy jazz playing in the background maybe.. after a while of doing absolutely nothing, surf out a new recipe to try from my fav websites, have a roast in the oven and a pot or two of something delectable boiling away on the stove like Jamie,  pull something out of the vegetable garden and chop chop chop, throw it into the boiling pot of bliss..

Enjoy a scrumptuous meal, read all my piled up books on the reading list, take a walk on a wind swept street, buy some goodies on a whim from a tiny corner shop... catch every movie, every play that I want to, return home to a typical family, some fighting, some teasing, some laughing, enjoy quiet moments with my better half and fall off into an exhausted slumber..  

I know, the grass is always greener on the other side, but right now, that 'brighter green' is like a shining beacon in my life.. beckoning, tempting me.. sigh.. 

Dreadful inspections

Every once in a while, one is shaken out of the feeling of job satisfaction by a strange turn of events. These strange turns have a penchant for appearing particularly during inspections of superiors. Having managed two such inspections well in the recent past, and having worked hard and happy with the results on the issues which were coming up for inspection again, i was quite confident that this one would be smooth sailing too... how terribly wrong I was!!

Its time now to learn that work doesnt always speak for itself. Projection is vital. More than anything else. If you stumble at that moment, all your work is brought to dust. I cant remember when I felt so demoralised last in life.. To be told that all that youve consistently worked for, over the last 4 months is rubbish, and when you yourself dont think so.. its depressing. What can you do other than explain? But what use is explanation that falls on deaf ears? 

I dont know.. I dont know how to project.. I like to take people to the site of work, and make them see for themselves rather than explain in words, facts, figures. That has always worked so far.. But this time it didnt and I'm foxed. Dont know where to go from here, what to do next.. Its an awful feeling.. like I let my team down by not being able to put forward their achievements properly.. 

I wish I could undo yesterday's happenings.. but I cant.. I have to find a way to crawl out of this hole I've fallen into, of depression and self pity.. I have to make myself remember that I do what I do not for accolades (though they wouldnt hurt!!) but for the sake of what is good and what is right. For, cliched as it sounds these days, the people. I have to remember that, hold onto that thought... because if anything can pull me up again ever, it is this thought alone.. to keep my real objective in mind..  

The 'Fields' to my blog..

 Some days are just glorious. When I set out for some work 2 hours away from HQ, I did not expect the sight that met me.. A day of colours. Windy blue skies, wispy white threads of clouds, the smell of mustard flowers in the air everywhere you go, the budding green  shoots of wheat till  the eye wandered.For those of us who grew up when DDLJ came out, we just cannot stop romanticizing about mustard fields!

I just wanted to put up these pics so that when I look back at these posts some time later, I want the memory of this tour, this place to come back, fresh as ever.. because these are the little pleasures which make all the hard work worth it. And even though I'd be just as happy to travel through a scene such as this even if I had done nothing to contribute to it, when people come to thank you for the good supply of fertilizers and seeds.. it just reminds me why I chose to be here at all..

Politics and dead bodies

So much has been written and said on this everywhere, that there's little left for me to add save that I got a first hand taste of it recently. Nothing pretty, nothing I would like to write about in detail.

 I do want to state for the record, that the incident has shown me the utmost importance of keeping a cool mind, and a mind of one's own. To keep one's objective very clearly and steadfastly on restoring normalcy and tightly shutting out any attempt by any one at infusing doses of extraneous issues into the situation. Never giving up the reins of control to another unless you yourself feel its the best course of action. And lastly, never ever raising one's voice.

I realise this entry is more like a note to myself, but I felt I had to write the basics down. Maybe, apart from taking me to a new level of experience and worldliwise-ness, may just interest or help someone out there..

What does a bad day look like?

Three guys trapped for taking bribe. One removed from his posting suddenly, no reason. And a major accident killing a lady on the spot and injuring 11 others. Some days are just so depressing...

Faux Festivals

I don’t mean offense to any religion or religious people, but I have really begun to think, isn’t it high time we tone down our religious-ism? On an average there are at least 15 such occasions yearly. On these days, either processions are taken out, or people congregate at certain places or hold some programmes or something or the other, which for the not – so – enthusiastic means traffic jams,  sleepless nights thanks to the idea that the omnipresent one is unable to hear its subjects without  loudspeakers, all kinds of waste strewn all over the place.. is it really fair to subject all residents of a place to what should be essentially a personal matter?

Or maybe there’s a reason why people put up with it.. maybe this business is an actual business, maybe there’s an entire economics behind this which enables it to subsist and even grow.. I don’t know..Still learning so much each day.. All I know is, I could do with a good night’s sleep.

Just another day

A post I found as a Draft on my dashboard dated 5th Feb 2013:
Its rare when unexpected rains, unexpected news come together on unexpectedly free day. What a lovely beautiful day it was and I was able to happily stroll the corridors, slowing down near the open courtyards to let the refreshingly cool breeze blow onto my face while my hands are buried deep and comfortably in my jacket pocket.. at that moment, all worries, thoughts, time ceases to exist.. there's one thing only - a smile, reflected on my face but felt through and through..

Even at the cost of sounding sentimental, I want to pen this down because a time like this is so... precious. Hardly do things come together in a way and at a time so perfectly that you are able to put all things aside and soak in the general feeling of all encompassing beauty and bonhomie. How often does one get a chance - irrespective of what they do in life - to just stop and smell that rain kissed earth and let the wind sweep away all that is negative in you? I for one cannot remember the last time I could or did do so. So I really want to just write this down so that, maybe on a day when the world seems like a cursed place to live -in - which it does every now and then unfailingly - I could just read through and perhaps relive this day.. and remind myself that the world is beautiful.. it is I who must find the ways and time to cherish it..

2013

Something about January, I suppose, that makes you mull over the year that's passed. The previous one has been action packed and I wish I had recorded thoughts and events as they happened, for authenticity.

Nevertheless, to put it succinctly, I think I have to rate that so far, the most favourite part of my job is executing independent projects, where I have my own team, a target and an end result motivating enough to slog for. Rarely do people get this chance, forget so early in one's career. Since I have talked ad nauseum about it to friends I am not going to elaborate on the whole deal. The point is that, theres a time in ones career when you learn for yourself, what really pushes you and what makes you want to wake up every morning, raring to go? This doesnt come easy or soon. Im glad it did for me. 

Secondly, when I look back at my posts on elections, I have to say that after conducting yet another round, while some points I still stick to, I have developed a grudging fondness for the process. For no other reason that I have come to realise that it is one of the few things in life that is crystal clear. No greys. Just Black and White. In letter. That essentially means crazy amounts of hard work, but no tension lines on your forehead! No wondering how to balance opposing forces, how to interpret rules, to act or to wait, how to play these games that go with the job... Nothing. Its an amazing feeling, like when you have been swimming for a long long time.. no matter how good a swimmer you are and how much stamina you have, you begin to feel tired and you finally can touch your feet down on the pool floor and lift your head up and breathe...