Rejuvenate, revive

   Nothing clears your mind like a trek.. Pushing yourself physically to do what your body is not doing on a daily basis, trudging along a path that has been used a few hours ago by a panther, her cub, a hyena and a porcupine; wild flowers abloom, scenting the forest; cold water running over your hot sweaty feet as you cross a flowing stream of river bare feet, climbing up a "jenana oudhi' (a hunting point for the women in the days of the maharajas) and being treated to a sweeping view of the mountains around you, which your eyes take in, as the cold air hits your lungs when you breathe...

   All this and so much more.. a sensation, a feeling difficult to explain but which basically cleans out the huge stinking pile of thoughts in your head and replaces it with the quiet sounds of the forest. That, along with the sound of your footsteps, the tautness in the muscles and the short breath as you negotiate a climb, leaves you feeling... nourished. 

   And then when you find something really delectable which you have never had before, in the middle of the forest, it's the icing on the cake. As if that wasn't enough, you get the recipe out of the guy, try it at home and figure that its the easiest thing ever to make - then it becomes an amazing day! 

Best 2nd October Ever

   Me, and I suppose most people like me have grown up looking forward to 2nd October because its a holiday. Of course there has been the cribbing about waking up early morning to sing bhajans, but at least one can sleep the rest of the day! 

   But this year, it got better than ever. For once, I felt like ''the daily hell one goes through'' is worth it. The beauty is, we did nothing out of the ordinary. Just little things.. donated blood, with family. got a movie screened for 250 kids , majority of whom have never been inside a movie hall.. my elder one, gets pretty much everything he asks for in life and even he goes crazy with excitement when he goes to a mall or a theatre. Imagine the buzz among these kids! Their smiles, their happiness, just made everything worthwhile. 

   And then a small effort to help one of the most famous eat streets here switch out plastic to biodegradable stuff by teaming with their association and red cross to give them steel/glass/biodegradable things at 50% discount. The best part was that one of the boat owners was so happy with this that he offered to take us all on a boat ride to celebrate this effort! I promised him that I would return to ride his boat once we achieve our target of making this street 100% plastic free. I really hope I get to make that boat trip.

Land of the brave and benighted

   Strange are the ways of a land which is known both for its valour and peace loving nature.. on the one hand there is rampant ignorance, barely any awareness about their own rights or responsibility of the powers that be towards them. For centuries people have abused this innocence and some continue to do so to this day. On the other hand, when some notion enters their minds, no matter how bizarre or far fetched, they take to the roads in their anger and turn it towards the very same powers. 

   So here is a situation where people are being ripped off in ways that I haven't seen anywhere else, from Rs.10 to Rs.1000 for things that are their rights, but not a peep from anyone until you go and dig in deep. But then a panther turns man-eater, everyone in town is trying to capture it in full steam, and yet, national highways are jammed. For many hours. And no amount of explaining or talking or anything by those who are doing their best to catch it, can convince them off the roads. 

   A murder takes place. Two bootlegging partners, one confesses to killing the other within 3 days of the murder. He is arrested.  5th day, the community to which the victim belongs is again on the roads, burning buses and jeeps, claiming that there has to be a bigger conspiracy. What happened in two days that made them go on the road? Beats me. They raised suspicions about another man being involved and he was immediately detained for questioning. Both the confessor and the detainee were in custody, under investigation when people decided to gather to discuss the matter. And somehow, a few hours later, they are on the road. There are many theories as to what provoked them, but none are weighty enough to explain the extent of lawlessness and planned damage in its wake. 

   This very inexplicability makes this assignment an extremely tough and exasperating one.. because its nature precludes any type of preparation or back channel negotiations to pre-empt any outburst. And once it breaks out, how do you contend with a populace that does not understand or care how equipped or not, you are to give them what they want! Meanwhile, yet another chaupal, yet another case of ripping people off, yet another round off making accused pay  up on the spot because when you leave it for an inquiry, they somehow recant their story..

More than sum of its parts

   Sometimes, you plan something with a certain vision in mind.. putting bits and pieces of ideas heard here and there into a bigger design for more impact.. you think its a bit idealistic, but you tell yourself, what the hell, at least the planning should aim big.. but be mentally prepared that in this set up and given the scale and the number of moving parts to this, its likely to achieve about 50-60% of what you planned. But hey! 60% is so much more than 0! So go give it a shot! So, after this little pep talk to self, you go ahead and give it a try. 

   And oh my god, it works out better than even you imagined!  Do you know what that feels like?? Its un-damn-believable! Filled with a huge sense of gratitude and sheer happiness, I want to write about the menstrual hygiene and adolescent  health programme we have been running.

   The base idea was of an officer who had done a similar thing elsewhere. The model was different, but content was 50% same. Then I remember reading about identifying anaemic girls early, specially in hostel students. Then a bunch of enthusiastic kids of an ngo came to meet me, as a courtesy and it stuck in my head somewhere that this was their field of interest. Putting all these three together, we chalked up a programme in which girls and their mothers will be spoken to about menstrual hygiene in their school, by a bunch of med school students and health team will also go and test their hb. Knowing the taboos and shame attached with this topic, I really didnt expect great turn out of moms or frank discussions post lecture. I also expected that the trainings will go as trainings usually do - one way talk, monologue-ish and wrap up. 

   I was so wrong! These kids, despite being young, were docs, in their lab coats and steths. It made everyone, students, teachers , moms all take them seriously. And these wonderful kids, came up with so many little little ideas to break the ice with the girls like singing, telling jokes, etc. Some even went ahead and involved the boys, did check ups and counselling for moms who had gynae issues! The way they went about it is a great example of the difference between doing something from the heart and doing something in a routine way. It may not sound like much and most certainly cant be explained in a training. But you have to be there to see this to get how well it is being conducted. 

   The idea of getting their hb checked.. I am so glad we added that because it turns out that almost 1% of the girls are severely anaemic. About 12 of them were less than 5 hb and were taken for blood transfusion immediately. The kind of data coming out is also informative. For instance, 58% of the severely anaemic girls are from the same region! Majority of the anaemic kids are around the age when they hit puberty - 12 to 13 years and many cases of amenorrhea. We also managed to get over a 100 moms to share other health issues for which they have never gone to a hospital. Listing their details and following them up, they have gotten treatment for the first time ever. 

   What makes me happiest is that a third party like UNICEF does a random visit and decides to document it as a best practice and award this ngo of docs for their work. This whole thing is not just a case of good civil-society govt convergence or inter departmental coordination. It has turned out to be so much more than just the sum of its parts. And I love all of them for making this really work a 110%.

   

Library Lost

   Its a beautiful building, who's exterior facade is used for pre-wedding shoots (some new fad all couples seem to have these days, which hapless guests are forced to watch in recompense for the dinner we down at their wedding reception!) while the interior holds books dating back to the 1600s. Sadly, it is also one of the most forgotten institutions as far as government interest goes. 

   The regular influx of new books has left it with little space which isn't taken up with bookshelves. Some rooms are literally filled with sacks of books stashed one upon the other, with no staff left to even indent them. The scores of students who come, aren't here for the heritage or the hardbacks. They are here looking for a quiet place to study. With nothing left in the name of a reading room, the corridors are lined with desks and chairs for them to use. 

   Despite this state of affairs, the sheer will and commitment of 2-3 people is keeping this library going.. and they are super excited with my visit. They show me around with pride.. some more people join us as we move from room to room.. these are the old timers who have been visiting this library for decades. Some have even retired from here and keep pitching in with their help whenever needed. 

   We reach a sort of verandah where I'm stumped to find a massive, 10, maybe 12 feet statue of Queen Victoria in marble. Apparently, this library was originally opened as a museum in her name, in the late 1800s. Hence, the statue. Post independence, it was seen as a mark of British subjugation and removed from its prime spot at the entrance. Today she stands in the yard, book in hand, not knowing what to do!

   Moving on, we go upstairs and they bring me the oldest book in the collection, dating back to 1665! The pages are so brittle that turning them reminds me of the first time I held my tiny newborn baby in my arms. There are some with beautifully painted gold inscriptions, travelogues written in an English which we do not recognise fully today, coffee table books of yore (that's not what they were called then!) showcasing a Bombay Horse and Cattle show and plenty other wonderful treasures!

   By now I have made up my mind to do something about this place. They say, whatever happens, happens for the best. And so it is, even if we dont realise it then. My little tenure in a place whose basic work was preservation of precious manuscripts and the people it brought me in touch with sprang to my mind immediately. With luck, I am able to mobilise funds from two sources under my control and reach out to my erstwhile colleagues for chalking out a plan of action. Its been about a month since my visit now, the plan is in place and we are ready to start working on it.

   If all goes well, we will find a new and separate reading room for all the exam - giving students, digitized books so that they do not have to be manually handled any more, scientific preservation of the older lot and a gallery showcasing some of the rare books and manuscripts unique to this library, within 6 months. Fingers crossed!

Catching up

   Two months nearly since the elections got over. Back to regular work. Time just flies. What have I been upto for two months now? If I look at it backwards, there has been 1 ill-timed and serious issue with bus burning and lathi charges. A very strange and inexplicable case indeed.. but one that cannot be discussed on a public forum.

   There was one trip to study the different kinds of models of implementing a particular scheme. That was interesting in so many ways. Firstly, to get to step outside of one's own pond and see how the rest of the world approaches the same problem in many different ways was really refreshing and educational. In fact, this should be made a standard practice. Secondly, the visit gave a shocking revelation into the ways things can be manipulated to serve vested interests.. or at least that's what it seemed like to me! 

   Thirdly, it was great to meet some people I hadn't met in decades! Age is a uniformly cruel thing.. but spirit is one's own. And it was inspiring, to say the least, to see how old friends and elders have kept up their spirits against all the odds that age and time throws at you.. and heartening to see how some relationships still haven't changed, because of the beautiful people in it. 

   Another dear-to-my-heart project on menstrual hygiene has been started. The planning for it nearly made me pop a nerve, but now that its underway, I am amazed myself at how smoothly its going despite the fact that the 4 odd departments/organisations involved were at loggerheads almost a week before its start! The response of the girls, their mothers is tremendous compared to what I expected.. The follow up mechanisms are also working, though a bit more tweaking is required and underway. The way the usually cynical media has appreciated and covered it has also surprised me. And now UNICEF wants to document it as a best practice. 

 A part of this time also went in visiting and commissioning works in an old and ignored library. This deserves a separate post, which I will write next. Another part of it went in a few field visits (not as many as I would like to) which were a great exposure for me. This place post rains is beautiful in a way that no one can imagine in this State. People are so diverse.. differences in dialects, customs, practices, expectations from the powers that be.. all of them are so varied within the boundaries of this 12000 sq kms. 

  It is also an eye opener into the cutting edge level service delivery issues.. which this place has plenty of. I have realised that just like Parkinson's Law, (Work expands to fill the time available for its completion), standards of service delivery tunes itself to the expectations and awareness of the people seeking those services, making sure that it is always at least one notch lower. So, in places where the latter is almost negligible, the standards of service delivery are.. well.. to put it mildly.. pathetic. Sometimes it all feels hopeless. But then, as a friend counselled, dont lose hope and keep at it. Sometimes the results will surprise you.. 

Last notable thing would be, as a broad category, to figure out gaps where ongoing schemes have not been reaching the intended beneficiary for a while and plug them. That part has been satisfying in the sense that things which got lost, somewhere in the maze of processes, could be salvaged and brought home, where it belongs. Compensation to more than 100 victims of certain crimes, scholarships to certain category of students (including 3700 orphans), sick patients on their death beds, incentives for immunising baby girls, certificates for a special category of people - these are done or nearly done. But what I am more excited about is that we are trying to build a way to figure out 100% reach in future. I am 'this' close to testing it.. If that succeeds, it will be really something!

Ideally, each of these should have gotten a separate entry.. but I haven't been able to write much the last two months and I am just compensating right now. 

have much to share.. but been whiling my free time with other things instead of blogging it down.. too late tonight. so just a checking in sort of post.. more later. 

Election 2019

   A lot of my posts in the past have been about elections and here I am, in yet another round of the same thing! But looking across almost 10 year old posts now.. its like watching your life, yourself in a film.. or some kind of an experimental study of personality across time.. 

   The same things which confounded me ten years ago, excited me five years ago, borders on been-there-done-that today. Almost makes me feel like a grandparent of sorts in this business. And when you reach this stage, the things that excited you earlier, now seem juvenile or amateurish, like a child in a candy store. 

   But being in a new place, in many ways, slightly more challenging than the earlier ones, the things that take up maximum attention is so different. A small town with not many visitors was easy in the sense that you had to focus more on your own work and bother relatively less about who's coming and going and what they are doing while they are in your area.. This time the most challenging thing was exactly this.. 

   The three biggies were all here, and for extra kick, all within the same 24 hours! And of course, the very same day got packed with all the other action the stars could muster! 6 am, commissioning work started and at 8 am a tragic loss of life and politics over the body, 10 am some statutory work which received which was objected to by someone who had no business to (and had to be sorted out by higher people), then came the visits one after the other, and their attendant consequences - people fighting over hotels, payments, last minute changes, permissions, preventive actions and what not - not once but thrice over, for each visitor! As the day wore on, action got thicker with some seniors asking for immediate report on some road work and another bunch of people sitting in another corner of this place decided to block some super important ongoing work related to water supply by sitting in front of the JCB till their demands are met. 

   All this went on simultaneously for over 24 hours and I think I crossed a landmark in the study of personality across time. I will remember this day as the day when everything came down together, and I didn't lose it. The day when phone calls were non-stop on some issue or the other and I actually amazed myself at the calm I felt as I took each call and didnt take out my irritation of one on another. It was not any greatness but just a clear realisation that if I dont keep myself together, everyone else will mess up. 

   Maybe in many ways elections is the same thing everywhere, but in some ways, it is very different also. So this elections the takeaway for me is not so much the election preparation and its enormity (which is, btw, 2.5 times the last time),etc, but the accompanying sudden and unexpected dramas, and the mental strength needed to manage everything smoothly. For this alone, I will remember the elections of 2019 as an emergence of a different, older, calmer me, in times of crises. 

'New Experiences' : too many for a day!

Random day at work..

   You're are referred back a matter which you have already half opined on and half its out of your jurisdiction / control to opine on. With directions to get technical experts' view on it. So you write a letter to the powers that control those technical experts. Felt normal. Felt right. But what do you get in return? A deeply offended said power that be for looping self into a possibly tricky decision making scene, looking to steer clear of this altogether!

   5 locations. Lunch. Reaches late at 1 venue. The reaction - you would think that these people haven't eaten for days! Breaking lines, fighting with each other, abusing organisers to their face.. I mean, lunch reached. It reached 2 hours late, but it reached. And of course, the ubiquitous cellphone was readily available to catch all the drama and have it circulated everywhere.

  A whatsapp group formed, cutting across hierarchies to monitor a grave situation. Point was to communicate and monitor complaints asap for the earliest possible redressal. And then someone wrote someone a letter which someone found demeaning (which I totally did not get) and decided to post it on the group.. and all of a sudden, a simple, official tool for improving efficiencies in the system snowballed and was on the verge of a full blown rebellion with others joining in the chorus of injustice! I am quite certain many of them wouldn't know what the hell they are supporting except that they are yes-sir-ing their boss. Managed to nip it off, but it left me amazed at the kind of day I was having!

   A call from someone claiming to be the relative (close one) of the highest post in the land.. wanting an appointment. They got one. And they wanted to share with me how hot this place has gotten for tourists and how a friend of theirs loaned someone 16 lakhs and now every time he asks for the money back, the loanee starts crying. I seriously dont know what they expected me to do about either of the things!

   

   I think I am missing some more nuggets out, but thats as much as my brain could store for a day I suppose. Shall add a post script if need be later. So thats been one crazy day, with so called new experiences.

Will the home be where the heart is?

   A drive through the meandering hill roads, flanked by these tall trees and their shedded leaves all around, making you feel like you have entered a desi version of Enid Blyton's whispering willows. The drive goes into and past this forest quiet and enters the flat foothills which opens out into a vast fertile plain with fields of golden wheat till the eyes can see..

   Nature never ceases to act as a calming balm for the sore soul.. This little village, at the border of two states, miles and miles away from humankind, away from the politics, away from any sort of interference.. it felt as though it is calling out to me.. 

   I wonder if this can be the post retirement life?  A piece of land, right here, to build a home on, to subsist here from farming this land and to spend the rest of my time working with people who need help and I maybe able to assist.. like the women and kids who keep coming to me every other day, with stories that depress me no end but I have to keep a control over my emotions and then try to find a way to take care of them as best as I can.. 

   I can do that all the time, without the other irritants which have to be catered to today.. that and the lack of any hospital close by would be such a wonderful way to die  - a life lived with meaning and contribution for the lesser privileged, without tests and tubes, passing on like my grandmother did..

Growing up

   Every now and then, my son does something which hits home that he's growing up and hitting milestones out of the park..

   Today, the boy who would NEVER wish guests or people good morning, leave alone wishing people on festivals, the boy who would never reply to a single question asked to him by anyone who's not immediate family, the boy who would cry if I made him go and play with other kids when we visit other people's homes stunned me. 

   I really wasnt wanting him to come along because in addition to all the social awkwardness from the above behaviour, he would also go to someone's place and throw a fit if he didn't get anything to eat! But he insisted so I let him tag along.. and oh my! never had I met that well-behaved child before who did everything we have been asking him to do for years - wishing others, touching their feet for blessings, replying to the questions he's asked and most surprisingly, obeying the commands of a 2 year old who wanted him to play with him! 

   My little rebel baby, who rebelled more out of fear of the unknown than anything else, is now grown up enough to feel comfortable around strangers he's meeting for the first or second time.. and interact in a socially meaningful way.. 

   You have suddenly become more articulate, more patient and more caring than I have seen you in all these years.. So proud of you for making this change in yourself my son, in your own way, at your own pace. 

Lies, damned lies and politics!

   I dont know when I will get used to people around me lying. Even after all these years, it catches me by complete surprise to find that someone is complaining about me saying that I did or said the  very opposite of what I actually did say or do. The heights of this naiveté is that it surprises  me so even when this is done by a politician!

   Today was one such bizarre day! The guy calls in the morning (10 am) asking me when I will be in office. I tell him I am available around 12. He tells me some issue with a village and how his guys got left out of the talks those villagers had with the administration a day ago. I tell him to give me the contact of those guys . He says he will send them to me. He asks if he needs to come. I say that he does not 'need' to come, we will talk to those guys. He agrees very cordially and we end the conversation - I describe this with this authority because I have the call recording!

   Next thing I know is the guy is sitting on the road with 200 people objecting to a lifeline project for the city. When our people go to talk to him, he tells them and everyone else listening that he is forced to do this because I have refused to meet him!!!! 

   I am totally stumped and fuming at this blatant lie! But maybe, now that I think about it, lying really isn't a big deal for people any more is it? Relations based on trust, personal or professional, are easily subverted or compromised to attain any other immediate goal, without thinking of its long term consequences.. 

   Tomorrow I may have to meet him.. I had reserved choicest words for him.. But now I am thinking, whats the point of wasting my health on him by hyperventilating. He is but a reflection of the state of affairs today.. Maybe the best response to his behaviour would be to greet him with a zen like stoic-ness, without letting his shenanigans get the better of me? Easier said than done though!

City Transport : Chasing mirages

   At first I was just trying to push it through as it was the 3rd tender in almost 2 years. I felt so close to finalising it , like just one step away! I could almost see the paper work in its final stage with just 2 signatures pending. But I have now hit a roadblock. And Im really annoyed. Now standing at this roadblock, even though its making me fume, its also making me think of better ways to model this. 

  Its interesting that when I go online, almost all research like literature available speaks of the lack of a mature reliable concession agreement for this activity despite its ample scope for PPPs.

  Immediately I am reminded of a document we drafted in education for PPP. Two months of intensive time and energy we poured into it, drafting each and every word ourselves, despite the option of outsourcing this to a consultant.. How proud I was of that piece of work.. only to be shelved because of political compulsions.. 

  Anyhow, that and those days are way behind me now.. Looking ahead, I hope to be able to find time to read and understand this sector a bit better and come up with a model that is a balance of doable, quick and sustainable, even if not absolutely ideal. 

Aim: Get at least some routes running before Diwali.

Jhadol-Kotda 26th Feb 2019

   Each visit brings with it something new.. there is so much to fix, but so little to do it with. I dont know if i have become more cynical and impatient than before or are things really worse here than elsewhere..

how do over 101 families in one gram panchayat not get grains for years together? How is it that Banking correspondents are taking a cut from pensioners' measly 500 / 750 rs and we dont talk or complain about it? how is it that panchayat level officers/workers take money so openly for something as procedural as Geo-tagging? how is it that any person fools all others into giving him money claiming to be able to get work done which he cannot? how is it an open secret than dealers open their shops for 3 days at a time only? and dont distribute the left outs as carry forwards next month?

1 patwari has charge of 6 GPs ! no E-mitra sits in panchayats like they are supposed to. what is this widespread ignorance? and how can one do anything about it?

Habit of Jotting

  Dad has often said to me that I should be writing my experiences down.. I have always felt that there are more number of people in my line of calling who love to talk about their experiences and themselves than the number of people actually willing to listen!! So I havent paid much heed to him. Even this blog, when I started it, it was about field related stories, but then with time, or rather no-time, it meandered..

   But today, after reading part of the book 'Not Just a Civil Servant', I have gotten a better appreciation for the idea of jotting down chief events.. Sometimes, even we don't realise the magnitude or even if not the magnitude, but the anecdotal value of some of the most interesting and unique experiences we tend to have in the normal course of life!

  While I am realising its value, I am not quite sure that I will be able to keep up with a regular habit in this.. but I hope to at least quit the meandering and be more current in my posts. The tricky part is the disclosure clause, which makes writing things openly difficult.. hope I am able to put things in a way that are decod-able at least for me few years down the line!

Change : the only constant

So much has changed since my last post - shifted 2 homes, got a small window of time with my better half only to be parted again in 4 months, a new profile, new city, new responsibilities..

It has been such a difficult time to come terms with so much of change in such a small space of time, and I am not proud of the fact that for the first time in a decade, I have complained about it. With difficulty, I have told myself to chin up, look ahead and do the best I can. 

Two months have rushed past. The task and place I am at is one of the most challenging assignments I have had so far and I have been trying to  put my all into it.. I have high standards of a series of predecessors to live up to.. In some cases, I am happy with the progress and in others I am still finding my way. But I dont know why, while my mind is fully dedicated to my work, my heart is still lurking below the optimal level it should be at.. 

Each day that I return home, my babies make my day, but after they go to bed and I retire to mine, it sinks lower and gets more and more restless. I dont know what it is seeking, but I have this the constant feeling of emptiness.. sense that something is not right.. 

Wish this would go away..