Rainy enigmatic nights

Its 12 in the night. A sudden burst of clouds. And rain.. 

I know a lot of people who swear by the goodness of early morning. The power that the sun brings and so forth. But the night.. I dont know how people skip the gorgeous dark quiet night for anything.. The perfect stillness. The amplified sounds of mundane things like the clock ticking.. im addicted to it..

And to that, rain.. my heart and mind just brims over.. I cannot get myself to sleep.. Today, as I stand on the steps of my porch after the rain, and take in the most blessed of smells - of rain on earth- and look around at the glistening quietness that is my garden, I feel overwhelmed with gratitude. For the life I have. For my family, and my few but dear friends. For my job, with which I share a love-hate relationship in the most literal sense. For the opportunities I get and for the mistakes I made that have made me stronger.

And not the least, for the dark rain in the night, and for being able to take in its beauty.. Today, I have no complains!

Transfers

Transfers are supposed to be a way of life for us. And personally, after about 6 months, I am mentally prepared for one anyhow. But this is the first time I've faced such disappointment over transfer of my subordinates. Barring 3, each and every officer I was working with got transferred recently. None of these officers had been in their present postings for more than 6-7 months. All that is ok. As I said, a way of life for us. But there was this one particular officer that I wanted to retain. I tried my level best. Spoke to all those people who I felt could help. But to no avail.

This officer is outstandingly honest, driven, hardworking and the best officer I have worked with so far. He has been here only for 6 months and there is not a soul in this place, official, political or any other category, who can raise a finger at him, for his work has been exceptional. Even those behind his transfer sheepishly admit to this but claim other compulsions that they have made them do this. And as though having him sent out isnt enough, even his close aides, who have shown allegiance to him in work have been moved out. Complete annihilation. 

For me, it is a time of greatest dilemma for me personally. I was the one who encouraged them to work towards setting right some basic problems. They gave more of their time, energy and effort than they were technically required to at my behest. Now seeing their case, why will anyone, well meaning or not, ever work so whole heartedly with me? As a leader, I have not been able to protect them at all. I am feeling so... inadequate, like I let them down. How am I supposed to call upon any officer to take up any work ?

And what is the work taken up? Thats what amazes me, today, to expect a teacher to just teach or a doctor to just attend to a patient or a lineman to fix a light problem in time is seen by them as blasphemy! How dare anyone expect us to attend school/hospital when we dont feel the need to? So what if kids in 7th std dont know how to read? Or if a woman lying in the hospital under labour keeps screaming saying her chest is paining , how dare we be expected to immidiately refer her to a heart specialist? How DARE anyone finger us? question us? tell us to actually DO the job we were hired to do? 

That is all we did. Nothing fancy. Just told teachers to teach rather than use pass books for kids of 4th to 10th standard. To attend regularly. To take leave beforehand. My entire team who dared to ask for these basic things got thrown out. My only regret is I didnt. And I have to sit here and feel... this.. impotence. I just feel so angry, so disappointed, so useless.. I mean, what work am I supposed to? I have no answers. And I just dont want to go to office anymore. We are just bloody pawns. Expendable useless pawns.