Awakening..

I was just reading a blog that I used to write many years ago.. I am not sure what made me do so, but Im feeling kind of.. awakened after reading it. I used to write it when I was just out of college and just by my writing I come across to myself as someone with.. a mind of their own, a strong sense of self and most importantly a lack of inhibition and openness, something which is completely removed from me now. 

When I was in college,  we used to have alumni come and speak about how college days are best and once you start working , how life changes you radically etc etc. Like every college kid I used to think to myself, I am never going to turn into this cynical old foggie! I am going to live life to the fullest always! And today, just reading what I wrote so many years ago and comparing it with my writing now, the change is so clear and apparent! Today, I am so guarded, so devoid of a writing style (not that I had some great style earlier, but at least it was distinctive and occasionally funny), such lack of humour, so... bogged down.. thats the accurate word actually.. even in those days I had my share of ups and downs, and spent a lot of time  cribbing about a lot of things, but somehow, there was some.. 'spunk' even in the saddest or angriest entries. Just reading them has made me realise how old and tired I have become... but actually, I'm not that old also, hello!!!!

So, I started going into a rewind of the time that has passed between the last entry in that blog and the first one in this.. revisited some places that I probably shouldnt have.. but anyway, having done so nevertheless, I began to realise that there's been so much that has actually changed.. I mean I always knew that it has, but it kind of dawned upon me like a big time realisation.. In that blog, Ive written about a  couple of people who were important part of my life then and its so.. grown up that some of them, while still being in touch, its just not the same and with some others, things ended, and ended badly too. I mean, in this short span of about 6-7 years, literally every single thing about my life has changed. From the work I do to the people I share my life with, to the kind of lifestyle.. every damn thing.. 

It feels so strange, to be the same person technically, but to have an entirely different life! I guess thats a dream come true for many people but in my case, Im just kind of sorry that it happened without even me realising it! The more I think about it, past years have just been a series of major events one after the other, which have landed me in this planet I am in now, which I didnt ever think about, plan about, dream about! One good thing happened in this soul searching.. I tracked down some of those with whom things ended badly. I did so with great trepidation, not sure of how my feelings would jump out at me.. and I was happy to note that they have moved on.. and they dont appear angry or frustrated at themselves.. theyve moved on in a good way, making a good life for themselves.. and seeing that, actually calmed me.. made me feel like I've made peace with my past.. to be honest, I did spend some time wondering how things would be if 'a', 'b' or 'c' event hadnt happened.. but then, in the end, everyone has moved on and seems to be generally content with their lives - including me, so thats a good thing.. 

  

Another thing that really struck out at me was the sense of surety. About what I wanted, about how things should be done or not done. what is right and what is wrong.. strangely with time, instead of becoming more set in my thoughts about these things, I have become less and less certain.. I have everything I wanted but keep finding it inadequate. Wrongs and rights seem so relative now. Not every right is actually right and not every wrong is actually wrong.. life seems more like a series of compromises now, with a lot of negotiation and haggling for everything which I once thought was a given. This in turn has made each day like walking off the beaten path, finding my way through into a new territory and the constant uncertainty seems to have mentally weakened me in some way, although I cant pinpoint exactly how.. so now i spend my free time like a couch potato, thinking of nothing and doing nothing except watch tv - such a contrast to one of my entries then about how amazing it felt to be able to read so many books back then and how i didnt enjoy tv very much. Its bang opposite today. I dont know when I last read a book and when a day passed without watching at least 2 hours of tv..

Im glad I  did this today.. I need a bit of a wake up call. The strongest feeling all of this has left inside me is, that I need to really pick up and own my life. This feeling that the past few years have happened 'despite' me , is not at all how it should be.. good or bad, happy unhappy highs lows, whatever it is, I should be in some sort of control of the situation, some element of choice in making things go one way or another.. Im not saying it was completely missing, but whatever amount was there, I have forgotten even within such a short span of time! So what is its value?! I have to seize each moment - cliched as it sounds.. I dont want life passing me by, while I stay glued to Masterchef! I dont think anybody  wants that. So its best to let past hurt die its own death and make today the best that I can. Have to find a way out of this comfortable cocoon I keep myself in, take a chance, learn something, do something.. a friend once told me exactly this, which I had all but forgotten - Learn at least one new thing everyday. Otherwise things happening around you will just swallow you.. High time I start listening to this piece of advice..